Monthly Archives: February 2012

Feb. 29-The Promise of a New Day: Patience

Patience is a particular requirement. Without it, you can destroy in an hour what it might take you weeks to repair.” -Charlie W. Shedd

‘Enjoying the moment, in its fullest, makes possible a patient and peaceful pace. Progress is guaranteed if our minds are centered, in the present, on the only event deserving of our attention. We can be certain that error and frustration will haunt us if our attention is divided.

Patience will see us through a troubled time, but how much easier it is to savor patience when it’s accompanied by faith. We know and fully trust that all is well-that our lives are on course-that individual experiences are exactly what we need at this moment. However, faith makes the knowing easier and the softness of a patient heart eases us through the times of challenge and uncertainty.”

“Patience slows me down long enough to notice another, and to be grateful for gifts of the moment. Patience promises me the power to move forward with purpose. Today’s fruits will be in proportion with my patience.”

Waiting for tomorrow is my first act of patience, for I always want to look ahead to “tomorrow’s” meditation reading. However, I chose not to peek to tomorrow in both The Promise of¬† a New Day and Inner Harvest. I will enjoy them tomorrow when I start off my day.

Hmm… patience. That’s a tricky one. I have found that one of my biggest struggles, right now, is my fear of lacking in growth and wanting to see the end. I am often afraid that I am going to go through all the pain of recovery to find that there is nothing on the other side.

But I totally believe that I need to work on my patience. I had been asked to reflect on how I am “getting better” or growing. I will post that list as well on a separate post.

I want to push through and get past the painful pieces of my recovery and because I am only in the beginning, almost every day hurts. I’m dealing with the emotions I’ve stuffed down for a majority of my life.

I guess I am experiencing growing pains. I will reread this post in the morning because I like the message and will apply patience to the remainder of my night and tomorrow morning. I will pray for patience.

Wednesday: Wear Purple

Are you wearing your purple ribbon today? Are you wearing purple clothes? If not, jump on it! Support yourself and others you know and love fighting an eating disorder. Just remember, “Everybody knows somebody”.

Also, say a prayer for anyone you know or love who is in recovery, has lost their battle or is still fighting hard, kicking and screaming.

All of us need that support. Gather and spread awareness and talk about it. It’s never too late to ask questions or help someone you know or love who is struggling or suffering from eating disorders. The fight isn’t over yet!

The Promise of a New Day-Feb.28

“I want somehow to tell the story of how the dispossessed become possessed of their own history without losing sight, without forgetting the meaning or the nature of their journey.” -Sherley Anne Williams

“To use the past without being controlled by it–that is our responsibility to history. Because the past is irrecoverably vanished, it’s sometimes tempting to forget it or to falsify it. But being true to ourselves means being true to our history.

Past cruelties can remain powerful in our lives–yet to take possession of our history means to free ourselves of bondage¬† to past events. Nothing can ever change them. If we are to make the future good, we’ll learn what the past can teach us. But our freedom requires us to make choices based on the needs of the present, not the past.”

“I can act at every moment in such a way as to honor the past and enhance the future.”

Oh, my higher power, yet again, is striking the heart of current events. Alright, so this is a very good message, for anyone who feels weighed down by his or her past. My past is what is holding me back from fully recovering. I know, 100%, my past is what is getting in the way, because I cannot let go, right now. I know in the near future, work will be done, tears will be shed, feelings will be felt, and the past can finally turn into a series of events that made me who I am today and that I can use as a springboard for my recovery.

The only problem is, for me, the past is painful. I’m not at a point where I am able to use the past for growth. It hurts and my past eats me away, grinds on my bone and suffocates my spirit. So how do I take this meditation, the words it is preaching, and how to I loosen the vice grip on my past to finally bury the skeletons in my closet?

After reflecting over the past two days, I am already feeling an overwhelming amount of emotion regarding myself and my own battles with ED. I find myself having a difficult time detaching from my own eating disorder recovery, and the fact that I am still in early recovery. I have a heavy sadness relating to myself and the eating disorder. One of the other things I couldn’t help thinking about was the slogan this year: “Everybody knows somebody”. I don’t know why, but for some reason, part of me thinks about all the people I still k now who have no idea I have been fighting an eating disorder for almost 3 years. When people look at me, do they see the struggle inside? Do they see the fear in my eyes? Or do they see the smile painted on when I am hiding the scars? It’s true, though, for I know a handful of people with eating disorders, prior to my group therapies. Today, I carry sadness for all those suffering from anorexia or bulimia, including myself. Today I will try to let myself be sad for me, while I still carry the message of recovery.

‘How can you leave the past behind when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart…’

My entire sleep last night consisted of dreams relating to my recent past. This thing I have been running from for the past several months but it eats away at me. I am trying so hard to move on from the past and let go, but I can’t help but feeling so disgusted with myself. I am trying, desperately to “let go, let God” but it is severely weighing me down. Everything I dreamt about last night/this morning had to do with one of the biggest mistakes in my life and I don’t know how to be cleansed of it.

I am also struggling with my eating right now. I know this because some of my habits are picking up again. Some habits I haven’t used in over 5 months or even 6 months. Also, when I would use my symptoms, I was not trying to lose weight. That was the difference in my sight this time. I could clearly see that it was not about losing weight, that my eating disorder was about control and managing feelings or emotions that are hard to cope with. But, I’ve begun to look and analyze my body again and that is a little alarming.