Stare the wolf down

In case you are wondering; as mentioned in the previous post, the girl with the red cloak throws the cloak distracting the wolf, runs away to safety, and lives.

It’s hard to ask for help, especially when I felt like such a failure for having relapsed with my eating disorder. When I see so many people doing so, so well, I remember being at that place almost. I could almost touch their level or platform of how high they stood in their recovery. I almost didn’t feel worthy being around them.

When my slipping finally turned into a slide, it took me a while to be honest. Part of me felt lIke I needed it. Part of me acted like it was okay. The other part of me didn’t want to ask for help because I had become so addicted, once again, to the eating disorder behavior. Then, the piece of me that has been pushed down inside and silenced was begging to be heard, but I couldn’t listen to her.

Perhaps a large piece of this was denial. I never fully understood my own denial. I liked having my eating disorder be my secret again; but we are only as sick as our secrets, right? Right. I spent Saturday with a friend from AA. I was being honest that I was “struggling” with the disorder, but after I kept talking, I should have inserted my foot into my mouth, for I was not aware at how rapidly unsettling and worrying the behavior had gotten. It became this; “no big deal” and then finally became a big, big deal.

That part is hard. I think the part that kept me from reaching out when I was getting worse and even more worse was the feeling of failure within myself. This was a new sense of failure I had. Of course, I had relapses before, and felt disappointed, but the arms of my eating disorder swooped me up and I didn’t feel as much remorse. But this time, I felt more than remorse. I felt like I had failed my closest friends and especially, my therapist, who probably believes in me more than anyone I know.

The friends that I had sort of were doing this “intervention” but not as a group. They were talking about my status out of concern behind my back, and I started receiving texts and phone calls. Today, i had therapy and found myself angry and embarrassed. How do I get out of this hole? Back to basics.

New accountability, frequent doctor visits, group, meetings, check-ins daily, throughout the day with accountability supports and my therapist. Re-feeding, once again. I think the worst part of this, in addition to feeling like a failure, is finding the way to fight back. And, I am and I will. I just have a lot of fear right now, doubts, and honestly, I am sad and I am surprised that I can name that.

So I guess I need to not only throw the red cloak into the face of the wolf… but I also need to stare the wolf down, make the wolf cower and back away, going back into the cave.

I’ve come to relate to my own spin on the story of the girl, the red cloak and the wolf… for I am all three.

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6 thoughts on “Stare the wolf down

  1. Marie

    “To live gratefully means appreciating not only your strides ahead, but also mining the profound value of your apparent failures, which build humility and compassion.” (not sure who to give the credit to on this)

    Kabir’s words, translated by Robert Bly, “We are all struggling; none of us has gone far.” For most of us, becoming authentic takes a lifetime.

    I love your authentic voice… I’m praying for you also… A friend shared the above quotes with me, just passing some bread along… Take care, be gentle with yourself.

    Reply
  2. inflected

    If you do not mind me asking a question (you by no means are expected to answer this question, it is simply to raise awareness of thought patterns) Is the remorse guilt based or fact based? I never did well with my attempts at recovery when they were guilt based. The desire to continue in recovery would ebb and flow with the guilt. These ebb’s and flow’s are directly related to triggers hit by the natural movement of life itself and I made it worse for myself by adding guilt, which brought it’s friend shame, which convinced me I was worthless so why even try to recover. It was not until I could look at myself and say “I am worth it” that I was also able to say “I am worth fighting for”. I’d be lying if I said I don’t still struggle though.

    Keep your chin up and do this for you, not your therapist, not your friends, not your readers.
    Find ‘the reason’ and cling to it, if it is something outside your grasp then fight for it.
    Stand up and Roar!!! 🙂

    Reply

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