Monthly Archives: June 2012

Progress, not perfection

I am being faced with a whirlwind of fear; unknown outcomes and risks. I have much confusion and self-doubt but also a spark of hope that doors open when we need them the most. Right now, I am not sure what I need and I am so unsure of any answers to anything about recovery when it come to myself and my journey. All I know is where I am now, how I got here and which roads I have available to get to where I am going in life.

They say progress not perfection.

Truth. Fact. Honest. It always should be about changes, growth and progress. I struggle with perfecting recovery. I understand ¬†fully that no one is perfect. We probably like to be but no one is. I’ve been learning that there is no perfect eating disorder recovery. However, I can’t help but question, how I could be back at such a low and scary place with an eating disorder when I try and factor in all the areas I can see growth:

-I have God on my side. I’ve chosen to turn my life over to the care of God as I understand him (personally for me, my personal savior, and Lord of my life that I need to seriously grow with).

-I have 6 months of sobriety from drugs and alcohol as of this upcoming Sunday.

-I have support and have been in a wonderful and life-saving therapy relationship with a phenomenal therapist that I was just told by a friend, is a guardian angel God placed in my life. She never, ever gave up on me.

-I have a caring doctor, nurse, and a new church that I belong to.

-I have stability with my AA meanings.

So it seems that I am at a confusing place, an overwhelming state of misunderstanding. I know it goes deeper than making choices and doing the next best thing, so how did I slip so far down? How did I get so lost in a strong eating disorder that I can hardly find my way out?

What now? I believe, as do a few others, I could need inpatient care for just my eating disorder. I have an opportunity of having an “in” of knowing of someone at a specific place, with coverage and a chance to really get stable. But then, I have so much fear because so much is at risk:

Losing everything. Coming back to nothing. People forgetting me. Doing it alone. Losing my job. Losing what I spent 4 years working so hard for. Being alone in it. Not being able to support myself financially. Feeling like I threw everything away because I could not manage the ed or do what I knew to do. Losing my apartment. Not getting a job I can manage with everything else. Being gone for however long, and losing my dental my medical. Not having you when if I could go and come back…something going wrong and no longer being able to work with you. I am afraid of losing myself or losing everyone in my life right now. I am so, so scared of coming back and people and my life being able to start up again, or start new.

But is there a solution in this desperation and opportunity to have some kind of 24/7 care … is this the answer? I then can’t help but feeling so much guilt about I wouldn’t be here needing this extra intensive care if I could really surrender an eating disorder… but how do I even do that?

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Fire away, fire away

You shout it out, but I can’t hear a word you say.
I’m talking loud not saying much;
I’m criticized but all your bullets ricochet
You shoot me down, but I get up

I’m bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away, Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away, You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium, you shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium

Cut me down, but it’s you who have further to fall
Ghost town and haunted love
Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones
I’m talking loud not saying much

Stone-hard, machine gun, firing at the ones who run
Stone-hard, those bulletproof glass
You shoot me down but I won’t fall, I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won’t fall, I am titanium

“From the outside looking in, it’s hard to understand. from the inside looking out, it’s hard to explain.”

I found this quote in a book I started reading today. My power went out and all I had was the sunlight from my window, peeping through the curtains. So, I grabbed the book I have been wanting to read for some time now, and opened it up. When I finished this introduction, I was very glad that I could relate to the quote. Because sometimes I have the hardest time expressing or explaining everything.

But for those of us who are battling an eating disorder, I think you know exactly what I mean when I say this… right?

I have found that outside of my frustrations; fully understanding may not be the key to this. I think that what matters the most is the support that is given regardless and lack of judgment. And I have that.

A.M.

As corny as it is, I am a firm lover of mornings. Something about it, regardless if I was in my eating disordered frame of mind or in a strong solid place. Or if it was a typical morning that I woke up and didn’t have to rush anywhere. Why? For some reason, while the statement of “tomorrow is a new day” is a clich√© statement for the fact that, every day ends another starts in 24 hours, sometimes, I like the feeling of it being new. Almost, always, for a brief second, I find freedom of not remembering anything bad that has happened in my life years ago or the night before. I am empty inside and have not made any decisions yet, and just before the world starts again for the day and the memories come back and the stresses kick off, there is that second of nothing that I find so liberating.

Genuine honesty

I know the past few posts have been negative, maybe even sounding discouraged, or hopeless. I don’t mean to do that. I also don’t mean to cause any discouraging or upsetting feelings with my readers. Sometimes, my blog is the only uncensored way that I can get my feelings, thoughts or emotions out, either by photo or text, and I know that I am safe and honest.

In the moment, it is genuinely how I am feeling and what I am thinking. Quite frequently it is the best way to just say things in the hopes that I won’t sound crazy, hurt myself or engage in some other destructive behavior. With that said, I know that it’s been a pretty heavy place with my mood and emotions. For those of you who are battling any kind of “mental illness” or addiction, eating disorder, or any kind of trial, you know the exhaustion and nights when it just feels impossible.

I have not lost hope… but it is hiding somewhere and I haven’t found it yet. It’s been a rocky few days these past several weeks. Although I have six months on Sunday, it does not mean that I have a lot of debris inside that still needs healing and help and care and attention and fixing and mending and love and understanding.

I just want anyone who is listening, or reading… recovery isn’t easy. Neither is healing and starting a new life.