That is all.
I’ve been sensing bit of sadness or a vast emptiness inside my stomach. Things are a lot different in many ways and things are also the same. It’s interesting how those things contradict each other.
Last week was really, really rough. I was in a hole of depression and I couldn’t get out. I’ve spent my entire past 2 years reaching out in crisis, begging and needing help to get through such painful urges of purging, getting me to eat, preventing myself from cutting, not picking up that first drink.
But something this week, having had a massive increase and stability with my mood, that stood out to me was this feeling of loneliness, walking in my shit all by myself. Fighting things, dealing with things, facing things, surrounding myself in things, all those “things” I’ve felt abandoned in.
Here’s the thing; I did pretty damn well on my own. The problem is, I feel forgotten because just because I am not acting on behaviors and managing it doesn’t mean I am totally OK or that I don’t need help. These are the moments, I just need to be loved, supported, encouraged, and surrounded. I felt like I was taking care of everyone else, and even tried helping ME. But, there was a sadness inside because I was doing well but still needed love.
So, always, always, give them love, no matter what: bad or good, struggle or victory. Love them–they will let you love them.
I think I am a little crazy. I don’t mean the kind of crazy that we talk about in AA, or even compare ourselves to with eating disorders or any other addiction. I just feel a little odd with the fact that I am so preoccupied with finding answers that before, I would have fought to never think about, forget, run away from.
I’ve spent a little more than an hour trying to find the full name of the man who sexually assaulted me. Like, I was obsessed with getting the answer of who he was that is responsible for it. I messaged some old co-workers who knew him by first name to find out if they knew his last name. And then, I was googling everything and researching all I could. I don’t know what I would do if I had his name. I think I might find out where he lives and send him a letter…. maybe the letter I wrote in treatment or maybe not. Maybe I don’t want to say anything, or maybe I want to scream everything.
Knowing his name would not change things. But maybe I just wanted to know WHO he is and just know I had the option of telling him. I don’t know how to get closure on this. But ever since the thought of him came into my mind today, my mood is glum. I’m not depressed, just blank. Something inside still hurts. I haven’t talked about this incident for at least a month now. So maybe it’s just because it’s a wound that hasn’t closed up yet. I think I just want to close up this chapter of my life. I’m in the home stretch, but I feel like it’s this lingering thing that just needs to finally be dealt with.
I am sitting here, drinking my morning coffee at the kitchen table still trying to wake up. I am going to get myself to an AA meeting this morning especially since I am getting connected with some new members and seeing current friends and chosen family.
I got through a really stressful night last night. I had to cover a county dinner for work and at this dinner, I walked up to my table to find a glass of champagne sitting at my plate. Then, having had a sandwich before going because I didn’t know I’d be eating, I got extremely overwhelmed because of the food, and feeling pressured to eat. Then I started thinking like I used to, running through thoughts of “you can always purge everything after.”
I reached out to my team and sponsor and I asked the waitress to take away the alcohol from my seat. I managed to successfully get through the dinner, eat some, and file my story by deadline. This morning, I am really irritable. Sounds in this house seem excessively loud for some reason: opening sugar packets, mail envelopes, people chewing, stomachs growling, people slurping, dog drinking water, everything feels like a roaring sound, not just a noise.
I am going to try and stay positive today and start my day off with AA and friends. Then I have work and I know I will be really busy today because it is Friday, but as soon as I can get to 6 p.m., everything should be a relief.
I’ll be moving into my new apartment on Sunday evening, thanks to God. I feel like once that happens, things should move a bit more smoothly. My mood though, is still drastically better than last week and I am so grateful for that.
This song is very inspirational to me and often fills me with positive thoughts and motivation. It has gotten me through some very painful times. Sometimes, when I am driving in my car, I play it loudly, and sing to it, imagining all the people who have helped keep me alive, keep me going, keep me from not giving up.
I’m doing okay today. I woke up after having some strange dreams. My theory is that when I don’t black out from my intense emotions or memories throughout the day, then they take on a life of their own when I dream at night. Last night, my dreams were bizarre, but it included deaths of random people by drowning, and then someone very involved in my life disappeared, was in contact with me, but was M.I.A. Then, my former professor-current mentor showed up in my dream and I don’t remember that conversation. But, my guess is that my dream related to feeling left behind, out of control, forgotten or anything else synonymous.
I am still doing well, but my urges today were back to wanting to not eat. I did, however, have lunch and a snack, so that’s good, I think. However, I have this need to just withdraw from my treatment team and take my own hiatus from my therapist, my doctor, dietitian and meds shrink. I would not advise anyone to do this, but I just don’t feel like going to the doctor next week. I don’t feel like going to the dietitian tomorrow and I certainly don’t feel like going to the psych doc to change my meds. Basically, I don’t I’d rather not bother everyone for a while. I just feel annoying and that just causes anxiety and bad feelings.
Last week, I found myself confused, depressed and hopeless. I could not understand why I had such a sadness and felt that I could not move on. I could hardly move and I had zero motivation. I found myself wondering how I had emotionally fallen so low. I started asking, “Where is the girl that came home from Arizona and stepped off that plane?” There was a joy I had when I was away, and it had diminished over the past couple months. I could not re-connect to that spirit I had.
And with a recent slip and struggles to stay positive, alive, and fight my anorexia, it was starting to get harder to see any light.
Then, on Sunday, I went to a christian concert at a local church with some friends and my two nurses (who have been on my treatment team for a year now). During one of the songs, I found myself shutting off, bent over and crying. I was praying to myself, pleading with God to help me find a way to forgive the man who sexually assaulted me. I was begging God to help me through my anxiety and PTSD symptoms, and panic. I asked my God to help me find a way to move on and let go, to feel clean and wash away the sins and destructive behavior I felt daily, all over my body. I cried, praying for women to be protected from other perps and to help women find healing needed to move on and recover from such a violation and devastating event. I concluded with asking the Lord to pull me out of this deep depression I could not manage anymore.
The concert concluded and the singer/minister started praying for all the people there. He said that no one was there for no reason: God had a purpose for each person being present that night. My nurse turned to me and asked if I wanted to go down and be prayed for. I was in such a desperation for prayer and hope and support that I anxiously said okay.
I was embarrassed and afraid but I walked down to the minister, a nurse and friend on each side of my arm. This man was from England, had never met me before, and never spoke to me before. After some silence, I heard the words come out of his mouth:
“What happened to you, was NOT your fault.” I dropped sobbing. He continued to say that what I went through was not my fault, that I can heal and the only way was forgiveness. I cried hysterically, overwhelmed with feeling and the spirit of God, alive in my heart.
I’m not sure where I am at in my recovery, however I will say this: My heart is much lighter. I am motivated to fight and work through my issues, continue to recover. I have had moments of joy, and pleasure, and have been able to connect to a piece that I had lost in Arizona. I’ve been listening to music that brings me to God, and fills my heart. I’m not better yet, but I know, something is different. I’ve been able to start accepting and forgiving myself. And I decided that I will no longer hurt myself because of someone else. Thanks to God, I have felt so blessed and pleasant the past two days. I am grateful and my heart is hopeful.