Monthly Archives: November 2012

Flight

I have had pieces of a young adult fiction novel for the past couple years. I also have pieces of writing that I plan on using, along with old journal entries and blogs from five years ago, that will go into my memoir.

I think I am ready to start writing my book, or putting it together, piece by piece. I have been wanting to dive into it for a while now.

Today I feel okay. My mood is pretty decent due to the fact I slept in and rested all morning. I slept in until noon then went to get my coffee and came to work.

I’m not sure where I am at with acceptance of myself. I went to the movies last night with my girlfriends from AA. It was an amazing day. After church we went to an afternoon meeting, which I made my second home group, and then we went to lunch/dinner, and then talked about everything, and then we went to the movies to see “Flight.”

That was pretty much the best damn movie I have ever seen. If you really want to gain an insight to the pain and hurt on the inside of an alcoholic or addict, it’s brilliantly written and portrayed. I could relate and feel what the main characters were going through, in their journey to recovery, relapse, struggle, that internal war that feels impossible.

But I would be lying if I said it did not affect me. I began reflecting upon my own life, and it’s very overwhelming.

My identity for so long has been “victim” or “drug addict” or “alcoholic” or “stripper” or “anorexic” and when I have almost a year of sobriety, it’s leaving me a little blank inside.

So, I would like to relay that I want my identity to be Christ. And, transforming internally to reflect that on the outside.

But right now, I can tolerate my past. Last night I couldn’t really grasp who I am inside. I can accept that I abused myself so much and had this dark period in my life that was so black, it seemed impossible to get out.

I’m in the process of getting out now. The only thing is, I started feeling so bad about what happened to me and what I did to “survive” it. I’m stripping away all the behaviors, it’s just a fragile lost girl.

Then I find myself with all these questions. And I almost have a fear to ask them. But I am going to work on my questions list and write them out. Maybe if I have the courage I will bring them in to therapy tomorrow.

So what did I do last night when I got home? I gave myself a makeover. I chopped my own hair, luckily, I am pretty skilled with sharp objects (ah-ha-ha…)

Full set of bangs, and I walk into work today and three people did not even recognize me. I like that, I think.

Yeah, why not?! Christmas usually gets me depressed, a lot. There are some moments I am not sad, but typically I get pretty depressed after Thanksgiving. So to attempt to believe in Santa, if I could have my dream list, this is what it would be:

  • No more rehab bill – let it be nullified!
  • No more anorexia, urges, or mental distortion
  • Bookstore gift cards – let’s stock my library (always my favorite part of my apartment)
  • Cow lamp – moo!
  • Tall chestnut brown Ugg boots (wanted these for, oh, I don’t know, three years)
  • Vacuum cleaner
  • Mini love seat/fouton ( my living room consists of a pink puff chair and my book shelf)

God winks

You know those moments in our lives that are just too supernatural and woah to be anything else but God? You know, those “ah-ha” moments that just don’t add up. Well, I was walking through a bookstore and there was a book title that caught my eye. No, I didn’t buy the book but I did have a thought.

All those times in our lives, those ah-ha moments are winks from God!

What the heck is my body doing?

I have been kind of frustrated lately due to the fact my body is totally still not where it needs to be. I’ve lost some weight, but I didn’t mean to. For the first time, I was not restricting, well, purposefully. I just find that I am never hungry. When I get hungry, I do eat, but I am having trouble maintaining my weight where my team wants it to be. I am not purging, I am off the laxatives, almost a week now, and yet, I am still losing weight. I am eating what I want and I feel like I am in a much better place in my recovery, but why is it that NOW, without at effort I struggle to maintain hunger and weight?? I don’t get it. I don’t think my anorexia was ever like this before. But I am not depressed, and my mood is good, so it’s a pretty strange combination.

I am going to an AA meeting tonight, thankfully. I am starting to get together with more women from my home group, which is good. The more safe friends I make the better.

Still progress, not perfection, right?

Continuing on with my attempt to withdraw and abstain from laxatives, I am on my second day. I’m fighting a pretty bad cold and my appetite is extremely low due to that, so I have to find ways to get in calories, and usually once a couple days pass, I then start wanting laxatives again.

Like I’ve said a lot recently — I have never had a laxative addiction until recently. It’s a really hard habit to break, and I am trying to stop the cycle. My therapist had me do a pro and con list of laxative use. Here is what I came up with, to the best of my ability right now:

Short term cons:
1. I always end up needing more.
2. Gets in the way of work and daily life having to run to the bathroom frequently or at inconvenient times.
3. False sense of security.
4. I still don’t eat as much as I should.
5. I feel sick if I don’t use them/cramping if I don’t use them, bloating if I don’t use them.

Long term cons:
1. I will have to initially keep adding more and more because my body will adjust and stop working right.
2. Dehydration, heart palpitations (recently experienced this)
3. Eating disorder gets stronger and I risk returning to purging behavior.
4. I now have another addiction to fight.
5. If I don’t get control and quit, I will never be able to rely or trust my body.
6. Long term use will damage irreversible internally. Will end up needing them for the rest of my life.
7. Could aid in a full relapse.
8. Avoiding emotions and painful items then causes avoidance and empowers denial — never fully facing things, nor fighting anorexia, and I won’t get better.
9. Decrease in health.
10. Withdraw, detox is painful emotionally, mentally and physically.
11. If I keep using them, I keep staying in the problem, not the solution.
12. The longer I use them, the deeper the addiction, and the harder to come off of them in the future.

Now I guess the best thing I can do is work on it. And make it through one day. Someone told me in AA, choose, one day at a time, “Today I will choose life, not laxatives.”

Also, in an effort to be proactive in relapse prevention, I was told to list a bunch of acceptance statements, and here is what I have.

Acceptance Statements:

1. I have anorexia but I am taking steps to work on it and prevent a spiral or relapse.
2. Although I have anorexia, I am no longer purging. This is improvement.
3. I am getting better, but I am not better yet.
4. Using laxatives will only intensify my anorexia, causing vulnerability factors
5. When I think I need the laxatives, I don’t need them. I need support instead.
6. Right now I am struggling, but I am not where I was.
7. Using laxatives is a problem because I have a laxative addiction. It is NOT okay to use them.
8. If my weight is dropping, and my fat image is increasing, something is not accurate.
9. I do not see what other people see.
10. I need to learn to trust other people’s perception and honesty regarding my weight and self-image because they see things accurately.
11. Even if it is hard, I need to trust my team that I am underweight, and eating food will not make me fat. If I need help challenging ED statements like this, I need to tell someone so they can speak the truth.

So I guess currently, my biggest struggle is continuing to stay off laxatives and work on acceptance. it’s hard to see it in print, that I am still battling my anorexia, and in fact, my body image has gotten confusing lately. I am not sure if my lists will help anyone else struggling, so I posted them. That’s about where I am at right now after my doctor appointment this morning.