Monthly Archives: December 2012

365 days

new year

456 posts. Oh, my golly. Wow. Uh, woah! In less than eight hours, I will have one full year of clean sobriety. I have not had a drink in almost one full year. I survived my first year of alcoholism recovery. AHHHHH!!!

Tonight I am going to an AA dance with my wonderful friends from young people’s meetings and then I am sharing my story for a 4 a.m. commitment.

In addition to being sober; I can really count down every single new year to a year of SOBRIETY. That’s a miracle.

I don’t yet want to reflect on my past year – only because that entails much thought and time because of how much I have actually gone through this year.

However, I will say happy ONE YEAR BIRTHDAY to me!!!
I hope everyone has a safe and happy new year!

I have spent this past year fully anonymous, with the start of this blog and also, the journey of recovery. So with a good bye 2012 gift, I leave with this:

My name is Brittany, I am an alcoholic.
I also struggle with cross addiction, anorexia, and bulimic tendencies.

But I am recovering.

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Emotional hangover

Leaving my hometown yesterday, I drove having a huge heartache, confusion, and an overwhelming pain.

While I was able to enjoy my family, going to that area is always difficult for me. I left feeling crazy, trapped in the past. I spent my last years in that house, sick and dying. Many bad things happened in that town and the neighbor towns. Being that I was sober, and not actively engaging in old eating disorder behaviors, I was surrounded in bad memories, flashbacks, bad feelings, and scary emotions.

I felt distant from reality, scared, depressed, anxious, hurt, sad, angry, numb, distressed, and probably another swarm of emotions I don’t even know how to tolerate or name.

I felt as if I was reliving dark periods of my past, but sober. And living through it sober is excruciating. No wonder I drank, and binged and purged until I was exhausted for four years. I left, and talked on the phone with my sponsor for more than an hour and went to an AA meeting.

Today, I am OK. I am not great, nor am I good. But I am OK and able to function a little better.

I just wish all my broken pieces would be put together, already. This recovery, treatment, everything is just exhausting and painful and I would like to be healed now, please and thank you.

Surviving Christmas

At 7 p.m. I had decided I was tired and it was time for me to go home. Leaving my hometown was a relief but I definitely left with an emotional hangover.

The gift turnout was great, though. My parents did a good job shopping for me this year. You know you’re an adult when you get awesome adult presents. I got a crockpot, vacuum cleaner, glass cups, a dvd player, and coffee tumblers.

Then I was surprised with really nice brown ankle boots, earrings, a bracelet, Bride Wars dvd, and a credit card gift card.

I am really grateful for the things I received and I could really appreciate my family. I hope everyone had a great Christmas.

Furthering education

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For the past year, I have not been in school. I graduated college with my BA in journalism in May 2011. It is hard to believe I have been out in the real world, working as a reporter for more than a year-and-a-half. The more I reflect, the more I realize since graduating college, everything that I have been through and it’s been a miracle I survived.

I took a non-matriculated course immediately after graduating college in higher education, for NM graduate.school. It was in writing arts, however, mid-way through the semester, I was tired of it and did not have the heart.

Now, almost two years later, more than anything I long for going back to school. My heart often freezes in mid beat at the thought of furthering my education and getting my MA. My college has a new graduate track for psychology/counseling, and I want to do that.

More than anything, right now, I want to go. I figure it this way – I am going to be paying back for my eating disorder treatment for the next 5 to 10 years. I will also be paying back the remainder of my undergrad college for the next 5 to 10 years. I will be paying my parents back for a medical bill for the next 3 to 6 years, and I will be paying back a loan for the admission of treatment for the next 5 to 10 years. So, why not freeze my loans for college, go back to school, study something extremely meaningful to me, now, and get my master’s in this counseling program.

If I am paying back, why not pay back for something worth it?? There are so many good things to this. No one can take a college education from you, so why not further my study in what I am passionate about, that took me to now to learn?

So, I am. I told my parents tonight, I am going back to school.

I shall keep the blog posted on this…for this is huge in my life. And this is what I would like to call a dream.

Wow. I actually have a dream I want to chase?!story

Merry Christmas

To everyone – Merry CHRISTmas. I hope you are blessed with health, happiness, hope, strength, peace, salvation, and love.

xmas

I am at my parents house for Christmas, and I will be here until tomorrow night. Then I will be visiting the family I lived with for three months. We are going to the movies tomorrow morning – it’s kind of this new holiday tradition. Last year, my mom and I went in our pajamas. My aunt is coming with us this year. It should be fun.

Then is unwrapping the presents, dinner, being lazy. I may take several naps throughout tomorrow. Then I will hit an AA meeting and stop by my pastor and his wife’s house and conclude my evening at my second family (adoptive-live-in-for-three-months).

I am breathing in and out, and I will get through this. Also; it’s nice to have a day off and be with family. I will try and just notice the memories tomorrow, and the painful feelings and thoughts, AND try to do whatever I can to remind myself what Christmas is about: Being grateful for my salvation and relationship with God this year and also, being around people who I don’t normally see. I will survive this. It’s just not easy, and it’s a little painful.

Merry Christmas everyone. Happy Hannukwanzmas!