I’m not sure where I have been. The last time I posted I was celebrating one year of sobriety. It was a beautiful celebration. But it’s now February.
It would make sense to post a long entry about what has been happening; but really, nothing extremely impacting has been going on.
I enrolled to go back to school in the fall; this is the highlight of my year to come. I’m just waiting for the green light to sign up for my part time courses.
Other than that; I’ve been managing with my new doctor (who is my former doctor). But I missed my appointment on Monday. I was sick last week physically, so I just slept all the time and could not wake up. This morning I set more than 10 alarms to wake up in time for work so I could make it on time to therapy after.
I’ve been pretty walled up lately. I’m cold and afraid of getting hurt. Actually, I’ve already gotten hurt. I have a broken heart. The woman who introduced me to hard drugs has once again, surfaced in my life and it is painful.
I had to make the unbearable decision to write a letter; cutting things off so that I could finally heal from this toxic relationship and move on in my life. But it just feels lousy right now. It’s like a really bad break-up.
Not only that; my anxiety is so extreme that I feel like I am drowning. I am always anxious, scared, paranoid. I feel like everything is off beat, and the world is spinning in the opposite direction.
My need to take showers and completely organize then reorganize then organize has been out of control and even that doesn’t calm me down but if I don’t do those things I am even worse. Layers are maxed out and my urges to self-harm again have skyrocketed.
The other night, I broke my razor and placed it in the shower to wait; so it would be ready if I had to cut. I did not… but I’ve been exhausted trying not to use destructive behaviors. But I feel a little discouraged right now.
My anorexia has more than flared. I mean it’s manageable but it’s really intense. I’m tired of drinking ensures and boost, and all I want to do is take care of everyone else. I’m a caretaker. Because I can’t control anything else in my world right now.
The other night, I raised my hand in an AA meeting to share and the next thing I knew, I was crying, hysterically in this room full of people. Then I went into the back room with my mentor and just started sobbing, and I collapsed on the floor.
I can’t find God right now; I feel so distant and also so ashamed, guilty, and distraught. I know we hit a bottom when we stop digging… but I don’t even have a shovel at this point.
Oh, I have 13 months of sobriety.