Monthly Archives: February 2013

Valentine’s Day

I would start off this entry wishing everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day but I don’t necessarily believe in it. I certainly think that people should love others every day, not just once a day. I think the day dedicated to love is a great concept; but has become so exaggerated to make single people feel sad, ashamed, lonely or embarrassed. So for all the singles out there: Happy Valentine’s Day to you! And for all of you who are in an awesome relationship and love someone, I wish you a great day too. I think everyone needs to stop getting hung up on this love-fest. Just be kind to others.

vday

I also have this theory/challenge that maybe for this V-Day, you should try to love your body. Instead of talking abusively to it, choose to love it. Allow it to have what it wants when you eat. Don’t restrict anything. Enjoy food today, and just block out ED, if you can… just for today. I know, easier said than done, especially for me.

battleground

“Break Your Heart”

People downcast, is despair, see the disillusion everywhere
Hoping their bad luck will change gets a little harder every day
People struggle, people fight for the simple pleasures in their lives
But trouble comes from everywhere; It’s a little more than you can bear

I know that it will hurt, I know that it will break your heart
The way things are and the way they’ve been and the way they’ve always been

People shallow, self-absorbed, see the push and shove for their rewards
I, me, my is on their minds you can read about it in their eyes
People ruthless, people cruel, see the damage that some people do
Full of hatred, full of pride, it’s enough to make you lose your mind

I know that it will hurt, I know that it will break your heart
The way things are, And the way they’ve been
I know that it will hurt, I know that it will break your heart
The way things are and the way they’ve been

Don’t spread the discontent, don’t spread the lies
Don’t make the same mistakes with your own life
Don’t disrespect yourself, don’t lose your pride
And don’t think that everybody’s gonna choose your side

“Some birds are not meant to be caged, that’s all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure.”

I’m not sure where I have been. The last time I posted I was celebrating one year of sobriety. It was a beautiful celebration. But it’s now February.

It would make sense to post a long entry about what has been happening; but really, nothing extremely impacting has been going on.

I enrolled to go back to school in the fall; this is the highlight of my year to come. I’m just waiting for the green light to sign up for my part time courses.

Other than that; I’ve been managing with my new doctor (who is my former doctor). But I missed my appointment on Monday. I was sick last week physically, so I just slept all the time and could not wake up. This morning I set more than 10 alarms to wake up in time for work so I could make it on time to therapy after.

I’ve been pretty walled up lately. I’m cold and afraid of getting hurt. Actually, I’ve already gotten hurt. I have a broken heart. The woman who introduced me to hard drugs has once again, surfaced in my life and it is painful.

I had to make the unbearable decision to write a letter; cutting things off so that I could finally heal from this toxic relationship and move on in my life. But it just feels lousy right now. It’s like a really bad break-up.

Not only that; my anxiety is so extreme that I feel like I am drowning. I am always anxious, scared, paranoid. I feel like everything is off beat, and the world is spinning in the opposite direction.

My need to take showers and completely organize then reorganize then organize has been out of control and even that doesn’t calm me down but if I don’t do those things I am even worse. Layers are maxed out and my urges to self-harm again have skyrocketed.

The other night, I broke my razor and placed it in the shower to wait; so it would be ready if I had to cut. I did not… but I’ve been exhausted trying not to use destructive behaviors. But I feel a little discouraged right now.

My anorexia has more than flared. I mean it’s manageable but it’s really intense. I’m tired of drinking ensures and boost, and all I want to do is take care of everyone else. I’m a caretaker. Because I can’t control anything else in my world right now.

The other night, I raised my hand in an AA meeting to share and the next thing I knew, I was crying, hysterically in this room full of people. Then I went into the back room with my mentor and just started sobbing, and I collapsed on the floor.

I can’t find God right now; I feel so distant and also so ashamed, guilty, and distraught. I know we hit a bottom when we stop digging… but I don’t even have a shovel at this point.

Oh, I have 13 months of sobriety.

Ghost

Do you remember when the walls fell
Do you remember the sound that the door made when you closed it on me
Do you know that I went down to the ground
Landed on both my broken-hearted knees
I didn’t even cry, ’cause pieces of me had already died

I’m a ghost haunting these halls
Climbing up walls that I never knew were there
And I’m lost broken down the middle of my heart, heart
I’m broken down the middle of my heart, heart, heart
You know you make me a ghost
You make me a ghost

I’m an invisible disaster
I keep trying to walk but my feet don’t find the solid ground
It’s like living in a bad dream
I keep trying to scream but my tongue has finally lost its sound
I’ve got to say goodbye to the pieces of me that have already died

I’m a ghost haunting these halls
Climbing these walls that I never knew were there
And I’m lost broken down the middle of my heart, heart
I’m broken down the middle of my heart, heart, heart

I don’t cry. I don’t try anymore.
I’m a ghost, I’m a ghost and I’m lost
Broken down the middle of my heart, heart
I’m broken down the middle

I’m a ghost haunting these halls
Climbing up walls that I never knew were there
And I’m lost broken down the middle of my heart, heart
I’m broken down the middle of my heart, heart, heart

-Ingrid Michaelson

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