I’m trying to listen to the words: “it’s not a mistake if you learn from it.”
But I wonder if that is even accurate or redundant because then there are these words: “No one is perfect, we all make mistakes.” So it appears to be an unending circle.
I messed up last night and I don’t know what to do with my head, my heart, my inside feelings, all of it. There’s too much and I feel like I am going to erupt and spill over or explode because I can’t handle it so I figured I would try and put everything in words. But it simply does not feel great at all. In fact, I feel awful, disappointed and just sad.
I went out last night with a couple girls with the attempt to have fun, let loose and just dance. Being sober, i did not care and learned to appreciate having all my senses and really understanding how alcohol is a pure disguise that blurs all decisions. This is something to be grateful for but this in itself stirs up a lot of feeling.
While the two girls around me were getting more and more drunk as the night went on, I was aware of the various behaviors these women fell into. Clearly, the alcohol, beyond causing drunk fools, creates this sense of vulgarity or unnecessary sex-capade. I am not being negative on those who enjoy a drink, socially go out, like to have fun and dance. Hell, I love dancing. I’m referring to these people who cannot control their drinking or behavior.
I also became completely overwhelmed with the fact of the sleazy men. I know that a club is a black hole, attracting men who prey on girls or women whose inhibitions have been slated from alcohol, and often drugs. Seeing the two women I was with, I could clearly see how judgment is completely impaired and there is no truth in making decisions.
While we were out, I felt extremely uncomfortable and sad. Suddenly, these older men were feeding the girls I was with mixed alcohol. I whispered to the one girl I was with to be careful and don’t take open drinks from strangers because you have no idea what they could have slipped in the drink, what they are mixing, or any other plausible possibilities.
Sitting there, I watched the moves these men put out there, clear to a sober person, but completely not to someone highly intoxicated or high. The man then offered us cocaine. At that point, I turned to one of the girls and said, “Hell no. I am not okay with this.”
I got up and walked away. And was able to pull the young women with me. At this point, I was having a panic attack, keeping my sobriety, having bad things around me, so I said I needed to get out and breathe in some air.
At this point, I texted one of my friends from AA because it was after midnight and I knew that she would be awake. After all this, I felt the men staring at me, some trying to pick me up or dance with me, and I just had no interest.
Eventually, I was ready to leave after only being there for two hours. We went outside to smoke a cigarette and a loud scream, “Put your hand behind your back!”
Police officers were all over this man loud and almost violent. I’m not sure what the man did but at this point, after witnessing something like that, I finally said that I wanted to go home, I was at my wits-end. As we were walking out the two girls were slurring, and stumbling when they walked. No surprise — one was the driver.
She tried to tell me she was okay to drive but I said absolutely not, I’m driving us home. And I did.
In the midst of all this miserable experience, while I was completely sober and clean, I realized that I am not this person anymore. Sure, I like to dance, but this scene, it’s not me. While I felt so stupid even trusting people again and trying to have a good time (My therapist points out that I could not control or predict what happened) that there was a difference this time. Last time, i was drunk and stranded. This time, I remained in control and solved every situation I could and used my voice. This is the new me. But the part that pains me is this: I had a slip and purged for the first time in about nine months. I felt like an animal, cornered, trapped and scared, and not knowing what to do, I did the only thing I knew how.
I’m sad about this. I’m sad I put myself, once again, in a not-so wise situation. I’m sad because while I watched all these girls and women in the club, I saw the 19-year-old me trapped and scared, in the club next to me.
I saw her (me) so wasted and what happened, again, four years ago. I relived the sexual assault again, but this time, while I could not protect her (me) I was able to understand deeper, the fault did not belong to me. It’s hard to remember that. But reliving things sober surfaced painful feelings of helplessness, sad, fear, anxiety, quiet. trapped. But looking at myself, i could see that I felt these things because I was completely taken advantage of and that man hurt me. I’m sad, because I do feel like it ruined me.
So it brings me back to the beginning of this entry: Are mistakes actually mistakes if you learn something or are mistakes something that does not even exist? I’m not sure. I do know I am struggling with the repercussions of an awful night.