Monthly Archives: June 2013


tumblr_m7t347G11y1r3055wo1_500One of the old behaviors I had when I was really sick at 19-years-old was to create my own special “spot.” Or a place of hibernation where I would camp out and shut out the rest of the world. Due to my compulsive behaviors, I quickly became glued and ritualistic — safe. No one touched the blankets piled up or the pillows walling me into myself. I was untouchable, in a cave no light could find me.

I’d surround myself with books; piles and piles of them. I’d lose myself, my identity and morph into the very characters I read about. I became them, and they became me, our lives intertwined. We were each other. I had a lamp, in the corner of the floor and I lost myself in other stories that were pieces of my own.

That was when I was really sick, to where my parents were helpless and so was I. The strange thing is, I have tendencies to repeat this behavior when I am deeply struggling emotionally. When I lived in my old apartment in a run down city, I pulled the mattress off the bed, into the living room that morphed into the kitchen. It was a tiny apartment so every room was connected with a door shutting off my bedroom and a door closing out the bathroom. Covered in blankets I slept away from my bedroom, creating my own isolated home within my home.

Now, in my newer home, the home that I’ve built since coming home from treatment last summer (and yeah, it’s been almost a full year since I left), I find myself, once again in this self-protecting behavior, wrapped in blankets, sweating from heat, but no poking any part of my body with the exception of my toes. I’ve read three books in the matter of a week or so, and I can’t stop. Reading about fictional characters that are described so well, that I once again blur my realities, my identities, to simply feel like I belong, like I’m understood and not crazy. The only thing is that I’m the only one who sees myself getting wrapped up in worlds so similar to mine.

I guess it’s safe to say that my apartment has become a complete disaster and I’m left, camping out in my “nook” — a corner in the living room in a recliner that fully pulls out, sometimes waking up with a stiff neck. I’ve begun to lose myself in characters, fiction, but not.

Now I have to get out.


Don’t touch an anorexic’s food!

Or…. any other eating disorder. Honestly. It really pisses me off. Food is like the one thing regardless of any disorder that if I have food in my house… don’t reach out and grab it and say oh… is this not open? I’m sorry but I’m not sorry.

And I get to remember it all

One of the biggest changes in my life has been enjoying the simple fun things without the need to have a bottle or glass in my hand. It’s also interesting to focus on the fact that I am in a place of my recovery where I can go to functions and the thought of a drink never crosses my mind. That’s a miracle. That’s God. That’s sobriety and that’s a gift.

dancenightTonight I went out with some girlfriends. After such stressful weeks, it seemed that we all needed a night out. Every once in a while, I get this itch I need to scratch to go out dancing and previous attempts to have fun with the wrong company always left me anxious, emotionally hungover, angry, scared, or miserable. But with the right company, and true friends, a drink genuinely becomes the farthest thing from your mind.

I don’t want to speak for other alcoholics, especially us in young AA, however, I do find that the common trend of those on good spiritual grounds, working a good program, that fun and events involving alcohol are possible and actually stress-free.

998882_10151743761056477_589419274_nFor myself, tonight was one of the best times I have had since my early sobriety, since before I ever took a drink. Honestly, it all comes down to the people, the friends, and the trust that make it all worth it.

I had so much fun dancing with the girls, people-watching, and laughing hysterically. From the moment I sat in gum (which clearly would happen to me), to a random woman saying that she liked my dress and it matched her underwear, to the phenomenal older man who danced like it was his job, to the special old people, disco, and stepping on a mans foot to get him away because he was a total creeper, each moment was special, another laugh line that will show on my face when I’m older, and I remember this night.

382486_10151743760646477_1368744974_nI love my new friends in AA and I can’t believe on July 1, I will have one year and six months of sobriety. Healing has happened, and I’m so grateful for the changes, internally, blessed upon me by my higher power. By midnight, we were all ready to turn into pumpkins and go to sleep, sore and tired. But the biggest highlight is that I won’t wake up hungover tomorrow, and I get to remember it all.


It’s been a real trying couple days. In addition to the loss of my little hammy, I had to manage a crisis with my young sponsee — the 15-year-old. It’s sad but she simply just stopped doing the things that help keep us alcoholics sober. I was at a meeting and she showed up high out of her mind. While it was sad to watch, I knew that she just was not ready to let go of drugs.

Yesterday, I finally said to her, “What are you doing? What do you want to do?” She responded that she wasn’t going to drink or do “drugs” anymore, but she was not ready to give up pot. I simply told her that I can’t help her if she is going to continually get high. It really sucked having to let her go. Basically, I said that I would be here, will always be here, and that when she hits her bottom and is ready to get sober, I will more than willingly help her. I want to help her now, but I can’t get sober for her. It’s hard to see someone you want so badly to get this, and they simply cannot. At least I planted the seed, so I am told.

But, I just pray her bottom is not as bad as mine was. The funny thing is though, that my life is just ah-ha. God clearly is the driver of my life. I was having a really bad panic attack yesterday after work. I had this impending doom fear, that something really bad was going to happen. When I got to the club house, not long after I arrived, a new woman with only 17 days walked in needing a sponsor and help. Again, I have a sponsee. It seems that God keeps bringing me people when I need it the most.

Not to mention that this week I fired my sponsor because she was being emotionally abusive. That was hard to manage as well. But I did get a new sponsor who I have connected with well over the past 6 months and I am excited to start working with her tomorrow.

Little Moo

Little Moo was my baby. I only had him for four months but I loved him terribly. Unexpectedly, I came home from work before going to my next job and checked on him. I found him dead and it broke my heart. This is my first loss, sober. And it is really upsetting. One of my best friends did give me a new baby, Mooshoo. I love him too, but it’s hard. For animal lovers who live alone, and their pet is family, you know what I’m talking about. Please pray that the pain passes quickly.