Monthly Archives: July 2013

crazy

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Changed

I came up out of the water, raised my hands up to the Father
Gave it all to him that day, felt a new wind kiss my face
Walked away, Eyes wide open could finally see where I was going – It didn’t matter where I’d been – I’m not the same man I was then

I got off track, I made mistakes. Back slid my way into that place where souls get lost – Lines get crossed and the pain won’t go away – I hit my knees, now here I stand – there I was, now here I am changed

I got a lot of “Hey, I’m sorry”s – the things I’ve done that was not me – I wish that I could take it all back I just want to tell em’ that
I got off track, I made mistakes. Back slid my way into that place where souls get lost – Lines get crossed and the pain won’t go away – I hit my knees, now here I stand – there I was, now here I am changed

I’m changed for the better, more smiles, less bitter I’m even starting to forgive myself – I hit my knees, here I stand – there I was, now here I am
Here I am changed. Yes I am changed for the better – Thank God I’m changed.

How would YOU feel…

hoody
How would you feel, if you chose to do the right thing, the healthy thing, choosing to be alive, so to speak, or even just trying something different, nourishing yourself, and the entire time all you hear is your head screaming “Stop! No more! Stop! You’re going to get fat! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! You’re ruining your body” and yet you still take the action with all those words screaming.
Then suddenly, when you constantly see your body as disgusting or even fat or chubby, and I am not talking about the women waves of “do I look fat in this? or even I feel fat today, or I’m bloated, so bloated, or I look so gross today or ugly today, I’m having a bad hair day I just can’t feel attractive or pretty.”
I’m talking about you see 24/7 this body that you just feel too fat in, and the only answer you see is to lose weight. So you do, and you feel safe and good looking in this tiny frame, teeny tiny body, low weight. Then one day, while fighting this war in your head while choosing to eat your thighs come back. Your ass comes back and you know it’s only a matter of time until your small boobs regardless of the size, after having a tiny chest, that they’re going to come back. And just one day you notice your body is thickening up, and you have a bulgy tummy all the time and it’s the one thing that was the enemy for years and years.
I know it’s not about “weight” but God, right now it is. My thighs are getting thicker, I noticed it. I see it, and it’s healthy thighs, I know. But then my butt starts popping back, and oh, all that’s next is a bigger stomach and suddenly the boobs come back. How do you deal with that? I’ve seen other women before, and I think breast are attractive, in a healthy way,some people just have nice boobs! But when it’s on you and everything feels out of proportion and then people start admiring your body when you do everything to hide it. THAT is what this is. I know there is that natural sexual attraction to a woman or a man, and that’s how people obviously get together, hook up, marry, have sex, etc. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about being a body on display while feeling so fat in the stomach. And you are just going about your business and you get this wave of tears building up but can’t come out because you’re dry inside, all dried up, and you just want to cry because you feel like your body is changing to the other side, and you just can’t stop it because you’re doing the right thing.
How would you feel if you suddenly noticed by being in control of healthy behavior, you’re control of your body, is gone.

Burying ED

The answer isn’t simple, but it seems that it should be. Or maybe, the fact that I have to let go, fully, of the eating disorder, it’s saddening, in a twisted way, to give up who I was for four years. It’s hard to just abandon that part of me. There’s this pull —  a constant tug of war to BE better or BE sick. Having that behavior, healthy or not, is a hard embrace to disconnect. There’s something comforting in that mentality, that identity, and I don’t know what it is like to be in the full identity of a recovered woman.

Action against will

In AA we learn to do the opposite of everything we feel like doing. Don’t feel like leaving the house? Go to a meeting. Feel like isolating and not talking? Pick up the phone. Feel like drinking? Don’t.

It’s been a difficult process to apply that principal to the recovery of my anorexia and bulimia. But while it’s not easy — it’s simple. I’ve been really trying to push myself and do just  that. Don’t want to eat dinner? Eat it anyway. Wanna throw up dinner? Don’t. Eating disorder thoughts running your mind and screaming at you while you’re trying to do the next right thing? Keep doing it.

I’ve been eating healthy, and following through with three full meals a day. I’ve been cooking, meal planning, creating grocery lists. I’ve been eating when I want to. Eating when I don’t want to. It’s a clear concept that once I double or triple my intake, then my body is going to change. Today, right in this moment, it is about choosing to accept my body for what it is, allowing it to reset, reshape, and take the form God originally created.

That is fucking scary, no? But I am doing it anyway. I am reaching out and really praying. I surrender my will daily and have been praying for God to help me to give over my will with each meal and eat like I am intended.

Food isn’t a poison and yet, it’s what the body and mind fight so hard to keep away. The eating disorder takes on a personality, and identity of its own. I call my eating disorder — That Bitch or That Bitch Anorexia. Because it is a bitch. But while she keeps screaming at me that I am a failure for each bite I take, that I am going to blow up if I don’t stop, or that I will become fat and that’s just hell, or bad things will happen, I still continue to try and push forward.

Surrender is great. But it’s scary. And that’s okay too, right?

Taking action despite the thoughts, feelings

While I was away on my vacation and reuniting with my roommate from treatment, I had so much laughter, fun and also perhaps a bit of a spiritual awakening.

Probably the biggest fear that I had was bringing home what I had gotten from being away. It’s sometimes easier to do well and move forward in recovery when you are out of your element, and what is normal. It’s easier to break away from such self-destructive behavior and then mold into pro-recovery approach. While I was away, something in my head simply connected. I could prepare and eat three full meals each day while enjoying some snacks and not blow up like my head imagined.

I truly felt decently comfortable in my body and didn’t have too much stress about continually being healthy. Minus a few urges in my head that were instinct like – you can get rid of this – or – just go back to how you were before you left for vacation. Those aren’t my thoughts though, in a sense. They are the way I have been living for years.

When I came back home, I managed to stay motivated, manage meals, eat continuously without restriction, and it was going well. I think it is this moment of a miracle when you choose to be alive and to continuously move forward one choice, one step, one meal at a time.

Now, I find myself falling into a rut today. I feel uncomfortable and full off and on and for some reason, today I’m mentally having a harder day. I’d like to shut off the ED thoughts and voices, but I guess right now I just have to acknowledge they are there and just NOT give into any of them. Is that what recovery is about? Continuing to do the hard thing despite how you feel or think? Despite the feelings and the urges, and the constant thoughts that follow you through the day and not giving up?

I truly didn’t think I would get to this place in my recovery, but God worked a miracle and turned me into a miracle. For that I am grateful. But right now I am scared because I have never, at least any time recently since being away in residential treatment, have I lived through the behavior or health with the simultaneous sick mind. It’s frustrating and exhausting. I guess now is, how do I keep moving forward while everything is still there, crystal clear and loud, screaming in my head?

Adios, New Jersey – Hello Dover, D.E.

I found myself driving down the highway, inching close and closer to my destination. I hadn’t seen my roommate from treatment in a full year – to the date. I didn’t plan it that way, it was just meant to be. I met this friend when I was in residential treatment in Arizona one year ago, and since I have missed her terribly.

When I finally had the opportunity to take a few days off from work, I began to take off out of state to reunite with my beautiful soulmate. Since getting here is has been amazing to escape my life in Jersey. Hanging out, not having a responsibility, a fear, a life, it was a gift. We went to the beach yesterday and prepared dinner. I haven’t laughed this hard in such a long time. We crack up over nothing, silly minute things that make life joyous and innocent.

For the past two days, I have done nothing but eat like a normie. Consuming meals, cooking, laughing, eating, snacking. Real true life, outside of an eating disorder. The thing is, I find my head swirling around the thoughts of, when you go home-stop eating all together – just be done.

I try to fight that voice, and I am doing well so far today. I found myself talking to my friend about not returning to New Jersey. I thought about moving in. Starting life over. Completely. Not living alone, struggling all the time. I may still do it, I don’t know. I’ll give it some time. The truth is — I’m afraid to come home, back to New Jersey, back to my single apartment, to my small life, working three jobs, never making enough money, back to the trauma in my head, the fight against the fork.

I’m afraid to return to existing.

I’d like to stay here. I would like to stay not hurting, not broken, not shattered in fragmented memories of the past.