I can treat myself well, whatever the scale reports.
“How thin is thin enough? What do I have to weigh in order to be acceptable?”
“These are questions we ask when we realize we may be endangering our physical and emotional health in an attempt to conform to what we think is ideal.
Our society extols slenderness, and some of us have made it our number-one goal.
Yes, we want to be fit and attractive, but we are discovering there is much more to life than external appearance and numbers on a scale. As we learn to eat for health, we put aside obsession with weight and allow ourselves to develop new interests.
Our program directs our attention away from weight toward the building of a rich and spiritual life. Once we commit ourselves to an appropriate food plan we can let our body make its own adjustments gradually while we get on with the rest of life. We can be kind and patient with ourselves in our progress toward recovery.
I will take care of myself today and let my food plan take care of my weight.”
There were a few things that stuck out, distinctively from this daily reading. The first is that I have totally forgotten about reading my meditations for the day. Especially, my Inner Harvest readings because they are geared toward eating disorders and have practical motivational affirmations or self-directions that will move me toward recovery.
And while it’s been a bumpy month with my eating disorder, I do want to be free of it, it’s just not a quick fix. Now dealing with my trauma and my, cough cough, sexual assault (still feel off saying that), the eating disorder has become extremely active, mostly in the past week to two weeks.
I’m not proud of this, but I am human. Its hard to stop a behavior that works in the moment. But then it becomes so blurred and the next thing I know, I have immediately become obsessed with my body. Again, it IS understandable, and as my therapist would say, it makes sense.
But, it’s not an easy thing to accept that, hey, I have an eating disorder still, I’m not recovered and I’m struggling right now. Yeah, that sucks. And the tighter the grips get, the further away I become from progress.
So, I guess the first part that is difficult with this is: My name is Anonymous, and I have an eating disorder. Yeah, just check back with me tomorrow when I’m back to acting like I don’t have a problem, and that it’s just a memory of a problem.
Okay, second thing I took from this reflection is the simple fact that I totally don’t have a meal plan. I don’t have my intake planned out, and I don’t tell on myself with this. I get away with it. No bueno.
The last thing I realized is probably the positive in this post: I’d like to emphasize the part about getting on with life. As I’ve had strong moments in my eating disorder recovery, I have found that goals surface where food used to be. My entire direction for my life has changed and I’m trying to take steps to get to where I want to be. I have “dream” job ideas now, and I have desires, and hopes. And the biggest one right now, that would really make me feel oh, so good inside, is getting a new job and living in my new community.
At least now I know what I want to do with my life. The eating disorder masked that, took away my dreams and ambitions. At least I have that going for me right now. I just realize through this, though, that I have been asking myself these questions of: How thin is too thin, and when is it enough because my emotional and physical are at risk if i can’t get out of this set back.