Tag Archives: 12 steps

Others go out so that you don’t have to

One of the biggest trends I have noticed recently is the people in AA who do not follow the program fully, and go back out from alcohol or drugs. Sometimes, I’ve been surprised — at other times, I’ve been waiting for it to happen.

In a non-judgmental away there is truth and a lesson in their decisions. While it sucks to see people you love go back out, there is that immediate reaction of “Oh, SHIT!” but then it sinks in that ‘oh, that could have been me.’

By watching these unfortunate individuals, including my young sponsee, and I see them go in and out. Something that I had learned — I got sick of the ins and outs. I hope that my little one can learn from this. I truly pray for her. And anyone reading this, please take a second to pray for her. Regarding the lesson — these individuals, as much as it sucks, go out of the rooms and pick up again so that we don’t have to.

Nothing in AA says that relapse is mandatory and nothing in AA says that you have to drink again and again to be able to come back. I know that feeling of impending doom that strikes the minute that taste kicks in, the truth that there may not be coming back from a relapse.


When the sponsee goes back out

As I had mentioned in an earlier entry, I have been sponsoring a young girl. The interesting thing about being a sponsor is the fact that I truly can tell when certain things are happening. My little one, the fifteen year old, relapsed the other day. Well — I knew this. But I needed her to tell me and she did. Because she is so young, I am not surprised. But also, I promised her that I did the same thing when I first came in, and that I know how she felt. I also told her that I was not quitting on her.

She said she was so sorry, and I replied with what people told me — be sorry to yourself. She only stands in her own way. While it does suck, it hurts too, I cannot get HER sober. The hopeful thing is that she said she’s ready now. Truly ready. I hope this is true. It’s just hard to see. Again, I knew it was coming but it was still a downer.

I can only hope that she trusts me and that she will fully do what I suggest. I know why she picked up again — she didn’t do 100 percent of all the suggestions that I made to her. And that’s okay. She’s back in a meeting tonight and said she’s processing a lot.

I also promised her that I won’t give up on her, because no one every gave up on me.

Part of the gig of sponsoring I guess. But I have faith in her. I still do and will.

Exposed: My Story (Update)

Eating. Drinking. Smoking. Snorting. Weighing. Hurting. Burning. Cutting. Starving.
Purging. Praying. Stripping. Weighing. Binging. Dying.

These are words are verbs, actions. These words are not who I am, but things I have done. These things don’t make up a person or even describe a person. They are things that people DO. Why? (Read more…)


Acceptance for young alcoholics and marijuana

Through my new sponsorship with a newcomer, a 15-year-old girl as I mentioned in a previous post, I am now faced with my first challenge.

While she is very young she has come to accept that she cannot and must not drink alcohol — that she is definitely done, with her bottom.

Recently, specifically today, she was talking to me about how she isn’t at that place with smoking weed. While I could reinforce with her it is all about acceptance, addiction, mind altering drugs – I know that all I could do is tell her to pray for the obsession to be lifted and to keep on with step one. However, I also reached out to some young women I know who had that same issue and had to get to a level of acceptance.

I know, genuinely, that it’s in her hands and as her sponsor I told her if she choses to pick up, she will be back to step one. I also know that I could only talk to her as honestly as I could. I also shared some Big Book readings with her, and had someone give her a call.

I really love how honest she is with me. She’s a trooper. I just pray for her and that she can understand there is a solution now.

Basically, aside from what I’ve learned in my sobriety and what I can tell her — she may just not be at her bottom. Has anyone had experience with this? What are some other things I am not thinking about that could be beneficial to share with her, have her read or suggest other than what I have done already?

Creating that home support

More than a year ago, I wrote a post about chosen family and creating a safe team to help fight with you to beat an eating disorder, or any other addiction. Since that time, I have moved four times, re-established a new home, restored my funds (a little) and have been rebuilding my life.

One of the biggest impacts I had when I was in treatment was the support of living with others. While it remained to be triggering at times, or prompting insanity, it’s a type of community and love that no one will ever understand unless they have been where I was.

Since coming home, AA has remained a foundation for my recovery and my support, friends and family. However, with that in mind, I was missing a support for eating disorders. For the past year, I had been wanting to start an eating disorder group that was NOT therapy-based, or symptom discussion, simply solution based as in AA.

Originally, the group started as an ABA meeting but due to other circumstances, we modified the group into a “big book” type meeting. We simply use the stories in the ABA book as a foundation to share off of, encouraging individuals to talk to their sponsors about there eating behaviors in substitution for alcohol. Finally, I have been able to establish a group, a home for those who need support, discussion and tools. In fact, it is open to both men and women, and yes, we do have a male in the group.

That — is inspiring.

Making amends

I made amends with my mom tonight and I believe that it sure feels great to have this opportunity to repair damaged goods. I also purchased a new 12 steps bible companion study edition and I am so excited. It is called “Serenity” and I started reading it tonight. I really need to work on my 11th step. But I am willing.

‘We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.’

Like I mentioned in an earlier post today, I completed my fifth step last night, and recently finished steps 6 and 7. While reading the chapter about these steps, I came across something that struck me, and I decided I need to attempt to my best ability to think about it and try and practice it.

While talking to my sponsor, I became emotional about only one incident: my sexual assault. But it was not until I was trying to find any way that I had contributed to the situation, and other than sneaking out and disobeying my parents as a teenager, I could not find any other part in it. Then I realized that I had connected a piece of information that is often hard for me to grasp: it was not my fault.

So, while reading this chapter, when I came across a specific verse, it caused me to think in a way that was a little more compassionate:

“We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.   Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us .This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.”

And this:

“For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit.”

Now, the question is, how can I apply this to my life? I know eventually comes forgiveness, but I am not there yet, however, I can change my perspective and look at it a little differently, or at least a little more self-forgiving. It is a perspective of: Well, he is mentally or spiritually not right to do that to a girl. So, where do I take that and move with it?