Tag Archives: cutting

Do you see this little girl?

945971_10151874063161477_2020789806_nLook at this little girl, the silly smile on her face
see her tiny dimples, and sunglasses perfectly in place
She’s only a young toddler, the entire world before of her
But if you knew the road ahead, your heart would become heavier

Do you see this little girl, innocent and small?
Her parents love all of her as they watch her learn to crawl.
She’s only a few years old, but has an old soul
Always laughing and playing, her future still untold

You focus on her smile and the light in her eyes
It’s hard to believe years down the road a darkness will rise
You couldn’t see the shadow, even if you wanted to
Inside this little girl, a disease began to grow

She will be bullied and taunted, pushed and shoved
Her heart will shrink and she’ll feel unloved
Her once loud laughter will shrink down to silence
Her bright smile will fade, and she’ll meet quiet violence

People won’t hear her, so she’ll turn inward with her pain
What used to beam sunshine, only storms inside and rains
Her hope will begin to dwindle as she slowly slips away
But it’s only going to get darker, from glitter to gray

She will find her way to fit in after yearning to be wanted
She takes her first sip of alcohol, takes sobriety for granted
Turning into the life of the party, she’s the center of all the jokes
She just wants to be loved, but people prod and poke

She’ll give up on trust and love by the time she’s nineteen
When a man twice as old as her gets on his knees
Her voice is gone, she can’t make a sound as she sits paralyzed
She turns to stone, gives him his way, and inside breaks and cries

By now she’s lost her faith in God and turns to worship booze
Now an alcoholic, she’s lost her ability to choose
Not long from now, it won’t be enough as she rolls a dollar bill
She’ll snort away her problems, as heroin moves in for the kill

Nothing takes away her despair, her stomach full of guilt
She throws up her food, her shame, the life she could have built
When puking isn’t enough, and starvation is the only way
She turns her brokenness inward, stops eating and fades away

Once a healthy baby girl, she is dying inside and hopeless
No matter how much weight is lost, all she see’s is ugliness
She screams and yells, but no one else can hear
So she runs to the blade and she slices and tears

This little girl, now 21, is hollowed out and empty
This shell of a woman, no where to go, steps on the stage for money
Do you see this dancing girl, a friendless and pained daughter
There’s no way out she’s become her own slaughter

Now rewind time, back inside the playpen, look at the girl there
You wouldn’t know by looking, but you can see me if you stare.
You see, I am this little girl, now grown up and fighting to live
While I can’t protect her, I can try to help her forgive

Nothing could have prepared her for the broken road ahead
But she needs you here, she needs you now, because she’s not yet dead
Listen to the little girl, and when she asks hold her hand
Because I am her, all grown up, and still need help to stand

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Exposed: My Story (Update)

Eating. Drinking. Smoking. Snorting. Weighing. Hurting. Burning. Cutting. Starving.
Purging. Praying. Stripping. Weighing. Binging. Dying.

These are words are verbs, actions. These words are not who I am, but things I have done. These things don’t make up a person or even describe a person. They are things that people DO. Why? (Read more…)

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“Some birds are not meant to be caged, that’s all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure.”

I’m not sure where I have been. The last time I posted I was celebrating one year of sobriety. It was a beautiful celebration. But it’s now February.

It would make sense to post a long entry about what has been happening; but really, nothing extremely impacting has been going on.

I enrolled to go back to school in the fall; this is the highlight of my year to come. I’m just waiting for the green light to sign up for my part time courses.

Other than that; I’ve been managing with my new doctor (who is my former doctor). But I missed my appointment on Monday. I was sick last week physically, so I just slept all the time and could not wake up. This morning I set more than 10 alarms to wake up in time for work so I could make it on time to therapy after.

I’ve been pretty walled up lately. I’m cold and afraid of getting hurt. Actually, I’ve already gotten hurt. I have a broken heart. The woman who introduced me to hard drugs has once again, surfaced in my life and it is painful.

I had to make the unbearable decision to write a letter; cutting things off so that I could finally heal from this toxic relationship and move on in my life. But it just feels lousy right now. It’s like a really bad break-up.

Not only that; my anxiety is so extreme that I feel like I am drowning. I am always anxious, scared, paranoid. I feel like everything is off beat, and the world is spinning in the opposite direction.

My need to take showers and completely organize then reorganize then organize has been out of control and even that doesn’t calm me down but if I don’t do those things I am even worse. Layers are maxed out and my urges to self-harm again have skyrocketed.

The other night, I broke my razor and placed it in the shower to wait; so it would be ready if I had to cut. I did not… but I’ve been exhausted trying not to use destructive behaviors. But I feel a little discouraged right now.

My anorexia has more than flared. I mean it’s manageable but it’s really intense. I’m tired of drinking ensures and boost, and all I want to do is take care of everyone else. I’m a caretaker. Because I can’t control anything else in my world right now.

The other night, I raised my hand in an AA meeting to share and the next thing I knew, I was crying, hysterically in this room full of people. Then I went into the back room with my mentor and just started sobbing, and I collapsed on the floor.

I can’t find God right now; I feel so distant and also so ashamed, guilty, and distraught. I know we hit a bottom when we stop digging… but I don’t even have a shovel at this point.

Oh, I have 13 months of sobriety.

Rebound

Good morning my friends and lovely fellow ass kickers! I am trying desperately to reach out today and bounce back from such a bizarre emotional and mental break down. I haven’t cut or burned in so long and it’s almost embarrassing but I guess I need to put it out there so it’s not a secret. We are all human; and for some reason, the only way I could think to survive last night was with poor coping mechanisms.

I have a young people AA meeting tonight and I have been really wanting to duck out and hide away, cancel on my friend but I think I need it. And I miss my friend. It would probably be good to make sure I go. So to you, all of my readers, I commit to going to my meeting tonight.

As for the rest of the week, I don’t know. I feel like the rest of the week is going to take more than just “one day at a time” and I think it is going to be “one second at a time.” I have to work now during the AA meeting I was supposed to go to to see my sponsor and celebrate my 90 days (Tomorrow! AHH).

I guess it all comes back to the serenity prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Brace yourself; I will be writing using the serenity prayer a lot the next several days.

fuck.

I am having a serious meltdown. I am hysterical. I keep fucking everything up, and accidentally screwing myself over. Additionally, in the matter of 30 minutes I burned, purged, and cut again. And it’s not enough, it’s not working, and again, hysterical. Not to be triggering to anyone who reads this, because I don’t normally engage in my self-harm urges. I’m just losing it and I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t think it matters either.