Tag Archives: disorder

March 31, 2014

Sometimes I want to take my hand, shove it down my throat, into the heart that barely beats in captivity. I want to grab and squeeze the disease that imprisons me, barely breathing after it has sucked out my life. This is despair. Fear. Agony.

I want to rip the life from the flesh-eating disease that possesses my body. I want to fight, but then I can’t breathe and I’m tired. Please, just make it stop. I want to squeeze the life out of the disease that starves me. It’s like I’m buried alive inside of this body, screaming to get out but no one can hear because the dirt fills my mouth. Because this demon waits until I am out of breath. And when you ask, it whispers: “I’m fine.”tumblr_n3czsvNqk11twwxf2o1_500


Can you hear me??

I’m honestly sick and tired of feeling unheard. Can you please just stop and listen, hear what I am saying? Can you just STOP and LISTEN?

Lately I have been feeling ignored or unheard. I’ve been trying to say no, or set specific boundaries with my treatment team. And I just feel like no one is listening to what I am actually saying. Sometimes, I simply don’t want to be weighed. Sometimes, I just want to share that I had a slip, without writing out a chain about why it happened and what I could do differently. It just happened. Okay? All I wanted was to be honest, be heard, and move on. But lately all I feel like is a patient, or test subject, or even like I don’t have a voice anymore and I am getting so upset about it I keep crying.

Seriously — I’m human and I am in recovery from a damn eating disorder. That includes slips. Sometimes, I don’t want to break every single piece of that behavior down. I just wanted to not feel alone in the fact that I messed up. Just listen.

To be honest, I’m not reluctant to even share anything related to my eating disorder because it feels like it always backfires. Do this, do that, how do you feel? Well — I feel like shit to be honest. Even writing this I feel like I am not going to be able to stop crying. I feel like I’m going to cry and cry, and I’m getting so angry and frustrated that I need to scream. And if I scream, it’ll come out silent.

We are at war

There seems to be a lingering sadness that revolves around the confusing and gripping reality of eating disorders. The truth behind the baffling disorder leaves many of us stumped, scratching our heads wondering why? Or how does something like anorexia or bulimia root into our minds or bodies, that stimulates a false image and drives us to starve ourselves or binge or purge?

When I was at the worse my anorexia was, I was unable to eat and if I had anything in my system, even if just water or diet soda, I was forced to make myself purge. Human beings were not created to destroy our bodies and yet, for most of us, it’s the only way we survive, cope with life, or manage things.

We often go cross-eyed over the data and facts but when we stop and simply look at who is suffering from such an addiction you can’t help but plea, why can’t you just eat? Can you please stop making yourself throw up? I often ask myself why can’t I see my body how you see it? Why can’t I stop obsessing over calories and weight? Then you look again at the young woman or man starving themselves to death and it’s your daughter, it’s your mother, it’s your sister, it’s your friend, it’s your brother, your father, you cousin, your son. Or– It’s you.

It’s a very confusing thing – banging our heads against the wall, wanting answers, wanting cures. But there’s no clear way to know how to approach this. I’ve been fighting this for years, relapsed many times, have had slips, and managed long-term months of sobriety from my eating disorder. But it always comes back to why can’t I stop?

While looking around on my blog, I came across this advocate blog from the perspective of a man who fought anorexia. The insight is wonderful and there needs to be more education on the truth that eating disorders don’t discriminate. The only answer I can assure anyone is that people ARE fighting. People are fighting back. People are pulling together and going to war against a monster that destroys lives in an effort to regain those lives.

How would YOU feel…

How would you feel, if you chose to do the right thing, the healthy thing, choosing to be alive, so to speak, or even just trying something different, nourishing yourself, and the entire time all you hear is your head screaming “Stop! No more! Stop! You’re going to get fat! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! You’re ruining your body” and yet you still take the action with all those words screaming.
Then suddenly, when you constantly see your body as disgusting or even fat or chubby, and I am not talking about the women waves of “do I look fat in this? or even I feel fat today, or I’m bloated, so bloated, or I look so gross today or ugly today, I’m having a bad hair day I just can’t feel attractive or pretty.”
I’m talking about you see 24/7 this body that you just feel too fat in, and the only answer you see is to lose weight. So you do, and you feel safe and good looking in this tiny frame, teeny tiny body, low weight. Then one day, while fighting this war in your head while choosing to eat your thighs come back. Your ass comes back and you know it’s only a matter of time until your small boobs regardless of the size, after having a tiny chest, that they’re going to come back. And just one day you notice your body is thickening up, and you have a bulgy tummy all the time and it’s the one thing that was the enemy for years and years.
I know it’s not about “weight” but God, right now it is. My thighs are getting thicker, I noticed it. I see it, and it’s healthy thighs, I know. But then my butt starts popping back, and oh, all that’s next is a bigger stomach and suddenly the boobs come back. How do you deal with that? I’ve seen other women before, and I think breast are attractive, in a healthy way,some people just have nice boobs! But when it’s on you and everything feels out of proportion and then people start admiring your body when you do everything to hide it. THAT is what this is. I know there is that natural sexual attraction to a woman or a man, and that’s how people obviously get together, hook up, marry, have sex, etc. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about being a body on display while feeling so fat in the stomach. And you are just going about your business and you get this wave of tears building up but can’t come out because you’re dry inside, all dried up, and you just want to cry because you feel like your body is changing to the other side, and you just can’t stop it because you’re doing the right thing.
How would you feel if you suddenly noticed by being in control of healthy behavior, you’re control of your body, is gone.

Burying ED

The answer isn’t simple, but it seems that it should be. Or maybe, the fact that I have to let go, fully, of the eating disorder, it’s saddening, in a twisted way, to give up who I was for four years. It’s hard to just abandon that part of me. There’s this pull —  a constant tug of war to BE better or BE sick. Having that behavior, healthy or not, is a hard embrace to disconnect. There’s something comforting in that mentality, that identity, and I don’t know what it is like to be in the full identity of a recovered woman.

Action against will

In AA we learn to do the opposite of everything we feel like doing. Don’t feel like leaving the house? Go to a meeting. Feel like isolating and not talking? Pick up the phone. Feel like drinking? Don’t.

It’s been a difficult process to apply that principal to the recovery of my anorexia and bulimia. But while it’s not easy — it’s simple. I’ve been really trying to push myself and do just  that. Don’t want to eat dinner? Eat it anyway. Wanna throw up dinner? Don’t. Eating disorder thoughts running your mind and screaming at you while you’re trying to do the next right thing? Keep doing it.

I’ve been eating healthy, and following through with three full meals a day. I’ve been cooking, meal planning, creating grocery lists. I’ve been eating when I want to. Eating when I don’t want to. It’s a clear concept that once I double or triple my intake, then my body is going to change. Today, right in this moment, it is about choosing to accept my body for what it is, allowing it to reset, reshape, and take the form God originally created.

That is fucking scary, no? But I am doing it anyway. I am reaching out and really praying. I surrender my will daily and have been praying for God to help me to give over my will with each meal and eat like I am intended.

Food isn’t a poison and yet, it’s what the body and mind fight so hard to keep away. The eating disorder takes on a personality, and identity of its own. I call my eating disorder — That Bitch or That Bitch Anorexia. Because it is a bitch. But while she keeps screaming at me that I am a failure for each bite I take, that I am going to blow up if I don’t stop, or that I will become fat and that’s just hell, or bad things will happen, I still continue to try and push forward.

Surrender is great. But it’s scary. And that’s okay too, right?

Taking action despite the thoughts, feelings

While I was away on my vacation and reuniting with my roommate from treatment, I had so much laughter, fun and also perhaps a bit of a spiritual awakening.

Probably the biggest fear that I had was bringing home what I had gotten from being away. It’s sometimes easier to do well and move forward in recovery when you are out of your element, and what is normal. It’s easier to break away from such self-destructive behavior and then mold into pro-recovery approach. While I was away, something in my head simply connected. I could prepare and eat three full meals each day while enjoying some snacks and not blow up like my head imagined.

I truly felt decently comfortable in my body and didn’t have too much stress about continually being healthy. Minus a few urges in my head that were instinct like – you can get rid of this – or – just go back to how you were before you left for vacation. Those aren’t my thoughts though, in a sense. They are the way I have been living for years.

When I came back home, I managed to stay motivated, manage meals, eat continuously without restriction, and it was going well. I think it is this moment of a miracle when you choose to be alive and to continuously move forward one choice, one step, one meal at a time.

Now, I find myself falling into a rut today. I feel uncomfortable and full off and on and for some reason, today I’m mentally having a harder day. I’d like to shut off the ED thoughts and voices, but I guess right now I just have to acknowledge they are there and just NOT give into any of them. Is that what recovery is about? Continuing to do the hard thing despite how you feel or think? Despite the feelings and the urges, and the constant thoughts that follow you through the day and not giving up?

I truly didn’t think I would get to this place in my recovery, but God worked a miracle and turned me into a miracle. For that I am grateful. But right now I am scared because I have never, at least any time recently since being away in residential treatment, have I lived through the behavior or health with the simultaneous sick mind. It’s frustrating and exhausting. I guess now is, how do I keep moving forward while everything is still there, crystal clear and loud, screaming in my head?