Tag Archives: eating disorder treatment

Return

I know this blog has been lacking with posts and updates or anything else from my jar’s collection of loose screws. However, I’m back. I stayed inpatient for 30 days and then continued on to another three weeks of full day program. There was a lot of growth, recovery, pain, setbacks, and support. I don’t want to get into too much detail right now about where I am at with ED. But I promise I will. I will share chapters of my life from the last six months.

Thank you dedicated readers and friends.

I hope all is well.
Love always,

Brittany

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And I’m going back to treatment

So next week, I go back for another round of treatment. Eating disorders suck, and it’s been two years exactly since my last venture out to Remuda Ranch. Now; I go somewhere else. So many emotions and feelings, and so much struggle, I just gotta hold out until Monday morning so I get my call re-confirming my admission Tuesday morning. So overwhelmed.

God could and would if He were sought

betterthingsarecoming

 

This often heard phrase is constantly on my mind since last night. My sobriety date is 1/1/11.
I am celebrating one year of sobriety, as of the first of the new year. The count down to the new year of 2013 had more meaning than any New Year’s Eve. For the past 365 days, I have been attending meetings, I went away for two months for eating disorder treatment, I’ve moved homes four times, I’ve been homeless, I’ve been home, I’ve made new family, I have repaired relationships with my blood family. I have surrendered my life to God, and was baptized as a new born Christian and developed an early, but growing relationship with Jesus — my savior.

A turn of events New Year’s Eve brought me through a few ups and downs while I celebrated my anniversary. There were things I could not predict and they were things that God did for me. Then there were things that God did for me that I could not do for myself.

When I first came into the program of AA, I did not think I was an alcoholic. I just drank “too much.” I was strung out and trying to break away from the addiction of heroin and crack, while restraining from self-harm in the form of burning and cutting. Also, I began to put together the pieces in this journey of recovery from my anorexia.

I say “my” anorexia, because that is exactly what it is. It’s mine. It’s mine to keep, and mine to let go of. Slowly, my heart has been revived and I’ve had people love me until I could learn to love myself. I hope to one day be able to love and accept myself for who I am, as much as others do today. And as much as they did when I first came to know them, when I was dying.

Today I am alive and in the process of repairing all the shattered pieces of a broken girl. In these past 365 days, I have learned about my past experiences for what they were; not what I thought or believed they “should be.” I can accept that I am working on healing from a devastating sexual assault and also, desperate measures to put myself back together before I learned that there was only one way out — God.

God saved my life and put people in my path to help in the process of keeping me alive. Recently, I have been struggling with restriction for I was trying to live and manage difficult issues. I was fortunate enough to have someone who loved me enough to be  honest and help me out of denial.

While sharing my story on New Year’s Day at 4 a.m. of my one year meeting, I was reliving painful things in my life, but allowed myself to be honest and real, sharing about how I got to where I am today and why I am who I am. In the process, something clicked. I had shared that I need to take care of my health and body.

Although this seems like a simple answer, it became more entangled and complicated. But when I was in a situation where God lifted my eyes right back to him, and reminded me to stay away from distractions and stay true to myself, I took control of my body and used my voice to say “no” and express my limits and boundaries and today, I have no regrets from that night. This allowed me to really see that my God shaped hole needs to be filled with nothing other, than God. And God gives me wonderful and beautiful people , as works of his own hands, works of art, miracles to fill inside my heart.

Wow. How’s that for 365 days? All this in a matter of 12 hours during my New Year’s celebration. No, lie. As a member of AA it is my responsibility to lend my hand out to those sick and suffering, in need of some kind of hope. Happy New Year; I wish you all hope and peace, comfort and a filler of that God shaped hole.

bepatient

Scarves. Laxatives. Thanksgiving.

I was covering a story about high school students delivering turkeys and Thanksgiving dinners to those in need in a local township. It was a fun story, easy, and doable. I rode on a bus with 12 students, interviewed and shadowed them as they delivered these meals to seniors and families. For some strange reason, I connected very well with the teenage girls on the bus. I laughed with them and became fond of them. Perhaps I was living vicariously through them. Perhaps they were happy, and normal, and I wanted that for myself.

When we came to the final stop, we delivered a meal to a woman named Florence. It was the last stop of the journey so I decided to carry up a pie with a teen girl who was giggly and free spirited. When we entered the woman was so happy and enthusiastic and she was smiling. She turned to the teen and myself and asked if we “liked scarves?” She must have noticed the fall/winter themed scarves we had tossed around our necks. She lit up with so much joy, turned and said, “Oh! I have something JUST for you!” With that, she ran into her bedroom, (yes, this senior citizen rushed) and grabbed two scarves, gave them to the girl and I. She kissed me on the cheek and said “Merry Christmas!” I am so glad she said that instead of “Happy Holidays!”

She hugged me, and said thank you. I will forever keep that scarf. In fact, I will wear it!

I had therapy today. Today is Day 1 again, with no laxatives. I am attempting to completely stay away from them. I am told (in therapy) that I am in denial. She is probably right. She almost always is. But it’s hard to understand and grasp right now. But I am working on it. So Day 1, abstinent from laxatives. Why is this so hard?

Oh, and I am spending Thanksgiving working at the newspaper and then going to dinner at my nurse’s house ( also my pastor’s wife and close friend). That is all.

God is doing for me what I could not do for myself.

This is a common AA statement that is hard to believe as a newcomer. I have had 10 months of sobriety, the first of this month and now, I totally believe it.

God is restoring everything I lost in my life by making the choice to give it all up and go away for treatment. I am blessed and grateful. So if any of you are struggling with a decision or need to go away but you find yourself saying things like “I can’t go, I will lose my job,” or “I can’t go, I won’t be able to pay rent,” or “I can’t go, I’ll lose my insurance,” or “I can’t go, I won’t be able to finish school,” listen to me when I ask you: What good are finishing all those things if you are not alive to live it?

First hand, I gave up my apartment, my job, and finances–all of which have been restored thanks to support and surrendering. My job took me back because I took a medical leave, I found an apartment in such a better place, and I can now start to enjoy those things as I recover.

So, if you have to ask yourself these questions, stop…and reach out and get yourself the help you need. In the moment it’s horrifying and seems impossible but when you get to the other side, it saves your life and everything is still there for you when you return, alive.

 

I wanna skip town.

I’m doing okay today. I woke up after having some strange dreams. My theory is that when I don’t black out from my intense emotions or memories throughout the day, then they take on a life of their own when I dream at night. Last night, my dreams were bizarre, but it included deaths of random people by drowning, and then someone very involved in my life disappeared, was in contact with me, but was M.I.A. Then, my former professor-current mentor showed up in my dream and I don’t remember that conversation. But, my guess is that my dream related to feeling left behind, out of control, forgotten or anything else synonymous.

I am still doing well, but my urges today were back to wanting to not eat. I did, however, have lunch and a snack, so that’s good, I think. However, I have this need to just withdraw from my treatment team and take my own hiatus from my therapist, my doctor, dietitian and meds shrink. I would not advise anyone to do this, but I just don’t feel like going to the doctor next week. I don’t feel like going to the dietitian tomorrow and I certainly don’t feel like going to the psych doc to change my meds. Basically, I don’t I’d rather not bother everyone for a while. I just feel annoying and that just causes anxiety and bad feelings.