Tag Archives: exposure

Oh, ED what big teeth you have

She hid underneath a crimson cloak, shielding herself from danger, terror and pain. She liked to care for others, tended to their needs and illness. She held them, nurtured them with positive thoughts and kindness. She had an innocence in her heart, one that was rare in the world today.

Her crimson cloak, a red hood covering her eyes was a protection. No one could look into her eyes for she feared her eyes would tell all. Her brown eyes would scream out the horrid things she had done, and there would be no more protection. She wore her red cloak, as a marking. The red poured out shame and guilt. But no one could see the girl behind the cloak.

It covered her body, one that she practiced to starve away or the marks on her body that told more stories than her words. Her cloak caused a separation from reality, a wall between memory and imagination. Her cloak kept her warm from the bitter ice winds, the biting air that blew secrets around. Her mistakes and her memories hit her cloak, but she remained warm inside and hidden.

Her cloak protected her physical body, one that hands of another could no longer touch, a safety between man’s hands and her own. It covered her legs, her rear, waist and breast.

The cloak worked perfectly for this girl, until she came face to face with a wolf; a wolf so attracted to her blood-red cloak, the color reflecting for the wolf, luring him. The girl stood frozen staring into the eyes of a wolf; reflecting images of her soul and herself. She stood gazing into the eyes of the wolf and she found words softly coming from her mouth as she spoke:

“What big eyes you have…” she said. The wolf responded with a harsh “the better to see your truth with my dear.”
The girl then lowered her gaze, focusing in on the wolf’s nose. She commented, “Well, what a big noseĀ  you have.” The wolf snarled, whispering back, “The better to smell your fears with, my dear.” The girl then stared at the fangs of teeth jutting out of the wolf’s mouth. She whimpered, “What big teeth you have.” The wolf grinned and responded, “The better to chew you up and spit you out.”

The girl then realized the cloak that had been protecting her all this time worked until it ended up luring the danger and fear she had been avoiding all this time. She was face to face with an enemy, until her life was at risk. The girl then had a choice:

A. She would remove her cloak, throw it distracting the wolf’s vision, and run in the other direction, escaping or B. she would keep her cloak on, burying herself deeper into the fabric only to find herself being eaten alive.

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Ouch

I have not checked in on here since perhaps, Friday? Or maybe Thursday? It doesn’t really matter because nothing has changed. I am not sure I even recognize reality right now. I feel like I am dreaming, or I continue to feel nothing. I don’t understand my “zoning” out as much. But I know I’m hurting inside, and it needs to be tended to, but I cannot tend to it because I am afraid.

Today I did another segment of my “incident”. I am in a really weird mental place so I don’t feel like calling it my sexual assault. For today, I am just going to refer to it as my incident.

Well, great. I spilled more information. And I hate myself. I feel like I cannot stand being looked at. I felt so humiliated. I was all over the place mentally and I guess I kept checking out. I hardly remember this morning. All I know is that my shoulder hurts, you know why?

Because I was so out of it and so not connected to what was going on that I fell. Yep, I fell on the stairs leaving therapy. So now, my shoulder hurts. For some reason, the sore feeling isn’t bothering me. I kind of like it. But that’s because I’m not feeling anything these days and the physical pain puts a feeling to it and it feels better.

I don’t know. Even this post is a little embarrassing because I’m all over the place and totally zoned out while writing it. I am writing this sentence right now and realize, woah, I wrote a whole post entry.

If the past is your present

I am in a whiplash of memories, the past, the present. I cannot figure out how to move toward the future and be in the present if the past is always in my present.

I don’t know if I am struggling with my acceptance of things or if I do accept things and I am struggling with the burden of feelings and thoughts that come with the acceptance.

Since Monday (oh, shit, Monday is yesterday… it’s only Tuesday?!)… so I rephrase that to, since yesterday, I have been battling my head. Last night, I remember telling myself “Tomorrow, you’re going on a diet.” When I woke up this morning, my diet consisted of nothing. I didn’t eat until 2 p.m. today. Sure, I ate… but I let myself sit all day with a hunger headache, and that hunger/tired feeling.

I knew deep down that a lack of eating wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t take away anything… it would only change my body. And again, this desire to get rid of my body, right now, is a constant thought.

As it is, I am already struggling on some days with the way my “healthy” body looks. I am by no means overweight. I wouldn’t say I was chubby or anything; but certain parts of my body feel so big. Sometimes, I cry about it. So now that certain topics have come up again, and probably will stay out due to a need of working through these things, I’m really focusing on the body. Sometimes I cry in the shower. Sometimes I feel like parts of my body aren’t mine anymore. That they no longer belong to me.

Since yesterday, I spilled the remaining unspoken chapter of the night I was assaulted. Honestly, I get a knot whenever I write that word out. Almost the same reaction as to when I first tried to speak the word, “anorexic” or “bulimic.” I didn’t have those words in my vocabulary, for I was nowhere near those things. I don’t know. Ever since speaking about the last piece of information, I now feel even more ill in my stomach. I feel even more violated and exposed. And I really feel that parts of my body are no longer mine. And that also, makes me want to cry.