Tag Archives: me

Exposed: My Story (Update Nov. 19, 2014)

Eating. Drinking. Smoking. Snorting. Weighing. Hurting. Burning. Cutting. Starving.
Purging. Praying. Stripping. Weighing. Binging. Dying.

These are words are verbs, actions. These words are not who I am, but things I have done. These things don’t make up a person or even describe a person. They are things that people DO. Why? For myself it is how I survived in the world starting in my very late teen years. These things were my way of living, dying, punishing, forgetting, numbing, functioning and coping. These are my sanctuary, my safety and at the same time, a double-edged sword that was jabbing away at my soul, my spirit and my life. (Read full story)

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Where am I?

It’s been disappointing — the lack of motivation I have. I know that this journey is far from easy and the truth is, in ways I am getting better. I have not purged in more than six months. That is a miracle and a gift from God. However, I just refuse to let go of the control I have with my eating. I cannot even think about what would happen if I fully just ate all day; normally; and not being my size — it’s just not manageable.

However, I am not even sure where I am with everything else. I am 14 months sober and that is wonderful. However I feel as though I am not known. In a way, I feel like I am erasing my existence. I do not have therapy this week, and my doctor appointment fell through this morning. Honestly, I am not complaining. I don’t feel like getting weighed. I don’t feel like talking about how to fix my eating behaviors so I gain more weight. Fuck you, weight.

My body feels out of place. I feel like I don’t have the words anymore to express everything. Sure, my therapist tells me to keep talking, don’t sit in the silence, it’ll only make it worse. But talking about it doesn’t make it better.

She says I have PTSD. I used to believe that. But part of me now doesn’t. She says by definition it was sexual assault. But today, I feel disgusted, guilty, and ugly. It should be over by now. It constantly replays in my head and I constantly feel his hands on my body, his mouth on my flesh. It makes me sick. But really, it all sickens me. It was not a violent incident, so it’s hard to believe her. I haven’t reached out to my therapist in four days now, which is unusual being that I usually reach out daily, throughout the day.

I can’t wrap my head around why it hurts so much – why it hurts so much to let her help me. Why does she even want to help me? She said every girl is worth it — and that is so true — but why am I worth it to her? So much time and dedication and love has poured out from her hands and heart. And I’m turning cold recently. I know I need her help, i do. I wouldn’t be alive today if it wasn’t for her. I just feel like recently, she doesn’t know me. I don’t know me. I don’t even think I am a person.

My urges to cut have been awful. All I want to do is cut my body. I haven’t yet… but the urge doesn’t die down. My spirit is just crumbling.

S.O.S. — Slipped

I don’t know what is going on with me right now. Nothing is wrong in my life and my mood is generally really good. Somehow this need to use laxatives is taking control and I need help loosening its grip. And just recently I had a slip. I have only purged one other time in the past 5 to 6 months. I need to bounce back like I did with my first slip. I refuse to relapse, I am just down. I need to find a way to forgive myself like last time and let it go and move on.

I need a way to get rid of my laxative stimulants and I need a way to move forward. This purge has made me depressed, it’s like an instant downer. And it’s a reminder that I cannot be doing this to myself or my body.

I sincerely didn’t mean for this to happen. And I know slips are not relapses. I just need support and prayer to bounce back again. I just feel like I am losing myself and I don’t know why…

Living with nothing; Receiving it all again after giving it all away

I was reflecting yesterday, as I drove home from work in my car. I was wearing a man’s suit coat, lent to me from my editor. He had noticed that I didn’t have a coat and with the icy weather drifting in, I was really cold. My handful of older winter coats are in storage at a friends house from when I went inpatient.

He told me to take it and borrow it until I get my winter coats. I was warm in this jacket and at such a small act of kindness, I felt cared for.

I have learned these past three months to live with nothing. Minimal clothing access, a couch, warmth, a car, and eating other peoples’ food. I am so grateful and at the same time, I am overwhelmed with the fact that I came home to nothing. And slowly, things are coming back to my life… a new church, my job, my treatment team, a new apartment just for me, my own bed, clothing, all of that, has worked out since making the decision last summer to give up everything I had, and run away to Arizona to treat my deadly eating disorder.

Now, today, God is doing for me what I could not do for myself, and I am extremely blessed and grateful for all the love I have received in this journey.

I wanna skip town.

I’m doing okay today. I woke up after having some strange dreams. My theory is that when I don’t black out from my intense emotions or memories throughout the day, then they take on a life of their own when I dream at night. Last night, my dreams were bizarre, but it included deaths of random people by drowning, and then someone very involved in my life disappeared, was in contact with me, but was M.I.A. Then, my former professor-current mentor showed up in my dream and I don’t remember that conversation. But, my guess is that my dream related to feeling left behind, out of control, forgotten or anything else synonymous.

I am still doing well, but my urges today were back to wanting to not eat. I did, however, have lunch and a snack, so that’s good, I think. However, I have this need to just withdraw from my treatment team and take my own hiatus from my therapist, my doctor, dietitian and meds shrink. I would not advise anyone to do this, but I just don’t feel like going to the doctor next week. I don’t feel like going to the dietitian tomorrow and I certainly don’t feel like going to the psych doc to change my meds. Basically, I don’t I’d rather not bother everyone for a while. I just feel annoying and that just causes anxiety and bad feelings.

To give up everything is to gain everything

I made my decision on Sunday and while I have much to blog about with the intense amount of stuff that has happened this past week, I have dropped by to give a brief update:

I will be leaving on Tuesday for inpatient treatment, then possibly transferred to residential. This is the biggest and scariest thing I have done in my entire life.

The next two days include packing up and storing my entire apartment, leaving, giving notice and meeting with my job to discuss medical leave for a month. Following that, I will then be driving down to see my parents and breaking the news that I am going away. I am anxious about this; but I want to fill them in on WHY I am doing this and WHY I am giving up everything for this. Then, on Monday, I have a final doctor appointment and a final therapy appointment.

On Tuesday I begin a terrifying and hopeful journey to recovery. I know what it’s like to be free from drug and alcohol addiction. Now I want to know what it is like to be truly free of all. Thank you for ALL the support, comments, writing, etc. Due to my journey, I will not be posting BUT I will post when I return about my travels and treatment and regaining of life and self and getting closer to God.

So please don’t unfollow or unsubscribe. I will be back to tell all and share this amazing experience; also share how this entire process played out and how it all unfolded.

Stay healthy, stay well and I will return.

 

Progress, not perfection

I am being faced with a whirlwind of fear; unknown outcomes and risks. I have much confusion and self-doubt but also a spark of hope that doors open when we need them the most. Right now, I am not sure what I need and I am so unsure of any answers to anything about recovery when it come to myself and my journey. All I know is where I am now, how I got here and which roads I have available to get to where I am going in life.

They say progress not perfection.

Truth. Fact. Honest. It always should be about changes, growth and progress. I struggle with perfecting recovery. I understand  fully that no one is perfect. We probably like to be but no one is. I’ve been learning that there is no perfect eating disorder recovery. However, I can’t help but question, how I could be back at such a low and scary place with an eating disorder when I try and factor in all the areas I can see growth:

-I have God on my side. I’ve chosen to turn my life over to the care of God as I understand him (personally for me, my personal savior, and Lord of my life that I need to seriously grow with).

-I have 6 months of sobriety from drugs and alcohol as of this upcoming Sunday.

-I have support and have been in a wonderful and life-saving therapy relationship with a phenomenal therapist that I was just told by a friend, is a guardian angel God placed in my life. She never, ever gave up on me.

-I have a caring doctor, nurse, and a new church that I belong to.

-I have stability with my AA meanings.

So it seems that I am at a confusing place, an overwhelming state of misunderstanding. I know it goes deeper than making choices and doing the next best thing, so how did I slip so far down? How did I get so lost in a strong eating disorder that I can hardly find my way out?

What now? I believe, as do a few others, I could need inpatient care for just my eating disorder. I have an opportunity of having an “in” of knowing of someone at a specific place, with coverage and a chance to really get stable. But then, I have so much fear because so much is at risk:

Losing everything. Coming back to nothing. People forgetting me. Doing it alone. Losing my job. Losing what I spent 4 years working so hard for. Being alone in it. Not being able to support myself financially. Feeling like I threw everything away because I could not manage the ed or do what I knew to do. Losing my apartment. Not getting a job I can manage with everything else. Being gone for however long, and losing my dental my medical. Not having you when if I could go and come back…something going wrong and no longer being able to work with you. I am afraid of losing myself or losing everyone in my life right now. I am so, so scared of coming back and people and my life being able to start up again, or start new.

But is there a solution in this desperation and opportunity to have some kind of 24/7 care … is this the answer? I then can’t help but feeling so much guilt about I wouldn’t be here needing this extra intensive care if I could really surrender an eating disorder… but how do I even do that?