I am being faced with a whirlwind of fear; unknown outcomes and risks. I have much confusion and self-doubt but also a spark of hope that doors open when we need them the most. Right now, I am not sure what I need and I am so unsure of any answers to anything about recovery when it come to myself and my journey. All I know is where I am now, how I got here and which roads I have available to get to where I am going in life.
They say progress not perfection.
Truth. Fact. Honest. It always should be about changes, growth and progress. I struggle with perfecting recovery. I understand fully that no one is perfect. We probably like to be but no one is. I’ve been learning that there is no perfect eating disorder recovery. However, I can’t help but question, how I could be back at such a low and scary place with an eating disorder when I try and factor in all the areas I can see growth:
-I have God on my side. I’ve chosen to turn my life over to the care of God as I understand him (personally for me, my personal savior, and Lord of my life that I need to seriously grow with).
-I have 6 months of sobriety from drugs and alcohol as of this upcoming Sunday.
-I have support and have been in a wonderful and life-saving therapy relationship with a phenomenal therapist that I was just told by a friend, is a guardian angel God placed in my life. She never, ever gave up on me.
-I have a caring doctor, nurse, and a new church that I belong to.
-I have stability with my AA meanings.
So it seems that I am at a confusing place, an overwhelming state of misunderstanding. I know it goes deeper than making choices and doing the next best thing, so how did I slip so far down? How did I get so lost in a strong eating disorder that I can hardly find my way out?
What now? I believe, as do a few others, I could need inpatient care for just my eating disorder. I have an opportunity of having an “in” of knowing of someone at a specific place, with coverage and a chance to really get stable. But then, I have so much fear because so much is at risk:
Losing everything. Coming back to nothing. People forgetting me. Doing it alone. Losing my job. Losing what I spent 4 years working so hard for. Being alone in it. Not being able to support myself financially. Feeling like I threw everything away because I could not manage the ed or do what I knew to do. Losing my apartment. Not getting a job I can manage with everything else. Being gone for however long, and losing my dental my medical. Not having you when if I could go and come back…something going wrong and no longer being able to work with you. I am afraid of losing myself or losing everyone in my life right now. I am so, so scared of coming back and people and my life being able to start up again, or start new.
But is there a solution in this desperation and opportunity to have some kind of 24/7 care … is this the answer? I then can’t help but feeling so much guilt about I wouldn’t be here needing this extra intensive care if I could really surrender an eating disorder… but how do I even do that?