– Emily Haines
I’m trying to listen to the words: “it’s not a mistake if you learn from it.”
But I wonder if that is even accurate or redundant because then there are these words: “No one is perfect, we all make mistakes.” So it appears to be an unending circle.
I messed up last night and I don’t know what to do with my head, my heart, my inside feelings, all of it. There’s too much and I feel like I am going to erupt and spill over or explode because I can’t handle it so I figured I would try and put everything in words. But it simply does not feel great at all. In fact, I feel awful, disappointed and just sad.
I went out last night with a couple girls with the attempt to have fun, let loose and just dance. Being sober, i did not care and learned to appreciate having all my senses and really understanding how alcohol is a pure disguise that blurs all decisions. This is something to be grateful for but this in itself stirs up a lot of feeling.
While the two girls around me were getting more and more drunk as the night went on, I was aware of the various behaviors these women fell into. Clearly, the alcohol, beyond causing drunk fools, creates this sense of vulgarity or unnecessary sex-capade. I am not being negative on those who enjoy a drink, socially go out, like to have fun and dance. Hell, I love dancing. I’m referring to these people who cannot control their drinking or behavior.
I also became completely overwhelmed with the fact of the sleazy men. I know that a club is a black hole, attracting men who prey on girls or women whose inhibitions have been slated from alcohol, and often drugs. Seeing the two women I was with, I could clearly see how judgment is completely impaired and there is no truth in making decisions.
While we were out, I felt extremely uncomfortable and sad. Suddenly, these older men were feeding the girls I was with mixed alcohol. I whispered to the one girl I was with to be careful and don’t take open drinks from strangers because you have no idea what they could have slipped in the drink, what they are mixing, or any other plausible possibilities.
Sitting there, I watched the moves these men put out there, clear to a sober person, but completely not to someone highly intoxicated or high. The man then offered us cocaine. At that point, I turned to one of the girls and said, “Hell no. I am not okay with this.”
I got up and walked away. And was able to pull the young women with me. At this point, I was having a panic attack, keeping my sobriety, having bad things around me, so I said I needed to get out and breathe in some air.
At this point, I texted one of my friends from AA because it was after midnight and I knew that she would be awake. After all this, I felt the men staring at me, some trying to pick me up or dance with me, and I just had no interest.
Eventually, I was ready to leave after only being there for two hours. We went outside to smoke a cigarette and a loud scream, “Put your hand behind your back!”
Police officers were all over this man loud and almost violent. I’m not sure what the man did but at this point, after witnessing something like that, I finally said that I wanted to go home, I was at my wits-end. As we were walking out the two girls were slurring, and stumbling when they walked. No surprise — one was the driver.
She tried to tell me she was okay to drive but I said absolutely not, I’m driving us home. And I did.
In the midst of all this miserable experience, while I was completely sober and clean, I realized that I am not this person anymore. Sure, I like to dance, but this scene, it’s not me. While I felt so stupid even trusting people again and trying to have a good time (My therapist points out that I could not control or predict what happened) that there was a difference this time. Last time, i was drunk and stranded. This time, I remained in control and solved every situation I could and used my voice. This is the new me. But the part that pains me is this: I had a slip and purged for the first time in about nine months. I felt like an animal, cornered, trapped and scared, and not knowing what to do, I did the only thing I knew how.
I’m sad about this. I’m sad I put myself, once again, in a not-so wise situation. I’m sad because while I watched all these girls and women in the club, I saw the 19-year-old me trapped and scared, in the club next to me.
I saw her (me) so wasted and what happened, again, four years ago. I relived the sexual assault again, but this time, while I could not protect her (me) I was able to understand deeper, the fault did not belong to me. It’s hard to remember that. But reliving things sober surfaced painful feelings of helplessness, sad, fear, anxiety, quiet. trapped. But looking at myself, i could see that I felt these things because I was completely taken advantage of and that man hurt me. I’m sad, because I do feel like it ruined me.
So it brings me back to the beginning of this entry: Are mistakes actually mistakes if you learn something or are mistakes something that does not even exist? I’m not sure. I do know I am struggling with the repercussions of an awful night.
I would start off this entry wishing everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day but I don’t necessarily believe in it. I certainly think that people should love others every day, not just once a day. I think the day dedicated to love is a great concept; but has become so exaggerated to make single people feel sad, ashamed, lonely or embarrassed. So for all the singles out there: Happy Valentine’s Day to you! And for all of you who are in an awesome relationship and love someone, I wish you a great day too. I think everyone needs to stop getting hung up on this love-fest. Just be kind to others.
I also have this theory/challenge that maybe for this V-Day, you should try to love your body. Instead of talking abusively to it, choose to love it. Allow it to have what it wants when you eat. Don’t restrict anything. Enjoy food today, and just block out ED, if you can… just for today. I know, easier said than done, especially for me.
I’m not sure where I have been. The last time I posted I was celebrating one year of sobriety. It was a beautiful celebration. But it’s now February.
It would make sense to post a long entry about what has been happening; but really, nothing extremely impacting has been going on.
I enrolled to go back to school in the fall; this is the highlight of my year to come. I’m just waiting for the green light to sign up for my part time courses.
Other than that; I’ve been managing with my new doctor (who is my former doctor). But I missed my appointment on Monday. I was sick last week physically, so I just slept all the time and could not wake up. This morning I set more than 10 alarms to wake up in time for work so I could make it on time to therapy after.
I’ve been pretty walled up lately. I’m cold and afraid of getting hurt. Actually, I’ve already gotten hurt. I have a broken heart. The woman who introduced me to hard drugs has once again, surfaced in my life and it is painful.
I had to make the unbearable decision to write a letter; cutting things off so that I could finally heal from this toxic relationship and move on in my life. But it just feels lousy right now. It’s like a really bad break-up.
Not only that; my anxiety is so extreme that I feel like I am drowning. I am always anxious, scared, paranoid. I feel like everything is off beat, and the world is spinning in the opposite direction.
My need to take showers and completely organize then reorganize then organize has been out of control and even that doesn’t calm me down but if I don’t do those things I am even worse. Layers are maxed out and my urges to self-harm again have skyrocketed.
The other night, I broke my razor and placed it in the shower to wait; so it would be ready if I had to cut. I did not… but I’ve been exhausted trying not to use destructive behaviors. But I feel a little discouraged right now.
My anorexia has more than flared. I mean it’s manageable but it’s really intense. I’m tired of drinking ensures and boost, and all I want to do is take care of everyone else. I’m a caretaker. Because I can’t control anything else in my world right now.
The other night, I raised my hand in an AA meeting to share and the next thing I knew, I was crying, hysterically in this room full of people. Then I went into the back room with my mentor and just started sobbing, and I collapsed on the floor.
I can’t find God right now; I feel so distant and also so ashamed, guilty, and distraught. I know we hit a bottom when we stop digging… but I don’t even have a shovel at this point.
Oh, I have 13 months of sobriety.