Tag Archives: therapy

Where am I?

It’s been disappointing — the lack of motivation I have. I know that this journey is far from easy and the truth is, in ways I am getting better. I have not purged in more than six months. That is a miracle and a gift from God. However, I just refuse to let go of the control I have with my eating. I cannot even think about what would happen if I fully just ate all day; normally; and not being my size — it’s just not manageable.

However, I am not even sure where I am with everything else. I am 14 months sober and that is wonderful. However I feel as though I am not known. In a way, I feel like I am erasing my existence. I do not have therapy this week, and my doctor appointment fell through this morning. Honestly, I am not complaining. I don’t feel like getting weighed. I don’t feel like talking about how to fix my eating behaviors so I gain more weight. Fuck you, weight.

My body feels out of place. I feel like I don’t have the words anymore to express everything. Sure, my therapist tells me to keep talking, don’t sit in the silence, it’ll only make it worse. But talking about it doesn’t make it better.

She says I have PTSD. I used to believe that. But part of me now doesn’t. She says by definition it was sexual assault. But today, I feel disgusted, guilty, and ugly. It should be over by now. It constantly replays in my head and I constantly feel his hands on my body, his mouth on my flesh. It makes me sick. But really, it all sickens me. It was not a violent incident, so it’s hard to believe her. I haven’t reached out to my therapist in four days now, which is unusual being that I usually reach out daily, throughout the day.

I can’t wrap my head around why it hurts so much – why it hurts so much to let her help me. Why does she even want to help me? She said every girl is worth it — and that is so true — but why am I worth it to her? So much time and dedication and love has poured out from her hands and heart. And I’m turning cold recently. I know I need her help, i do. I wouldn’t be alive today if it wasn’t for her. I just feel like recently, she doesn’t know me. I don’t know me. I don’t even think I am a person.

My urges to cut have been awful. All I want to do is cut my body. I haven’t yet… but the urge doesn’t die down. My spirit is just crumbling.

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God could and would if He were sought

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This often heard phrase is constantly on my mind since last night. My sobriety date is 1/1/11.
I am celebrating one year of sobriety, as of the first of the new year. The count down to the new year of 2013 had more meaning than any New Year’s Eve. For the past 365 days, I have been attending meetings, I went away for two months for eating disorder treatment, I’ve moved homes four times, I’ve been homeless, I’ve been home, I’ve made new family, I have repaired relationships with my blood family. I have surrendered my life to God, and was baptized as a new born Christian and developed an early, but growing relationship with Jesus — my savior.

A turn of events New Year’s Eve brought me through a few ups and downs while I celebrated my anniversary. There were things I could not predict and they were things that God did for me. Then there were things that God did for me that I could not do for myself.

When I first came into the program of AA, I did not think I was an alcoholic. I just drank “too much.” I was strung out and trying to break away from the addiction of heroin and crack, while restraining from self-harm in the form of burning and cutting. Also, I began to put together the pieces in this journey of recovery from my anorexia.

I say “my” anorexia, because that is exactly what it is. It’s mine. It’s mine to keep, and mine to let go of. Slowly, my heart has been revived and I’ve had people love me until I could learn to love myself. I hope to one day be able to love and accept myself for who I am, as much as others do today. And as much as they did when I first came to know them, when I was dying.

Today I am alive and in the process of repairing all the shattered pieces of a broken girl. In these past 365 days, I have learned about my past experiences for what they were; not what I thought or believed they “should be.” I can accept that I am working on healing from a devastating sexual assault and also, desperate measures to put myself back together before I learned that there was only one way out — God.

God saved my life and put people in my path to help in the process of keeping me alive. Recently, I have been struggling with restriction for I was trying to live and manage difficult issues. I was fortunate enough to have someone who loved me enough to be  honest and help me out of denial.

While sharing my story on New Year’s Day at 4 a.m. of my one year meeting, I was reliving painful things in my life, but allowed myself to be honest and real, sharing about how I got to where I am today and why I am who I am. In the process, something clicked. I had shared that I need to take care of my health and body.

Although this seems like a simple answer, it became more entangled and complicated. But when I was in a situation where God lifted my eyes right back to him, and reminded me to stay away from distractions and stay true to myself, I took control of my body and used my voice to say “no” and express my limits and boundaries and today, I have no regrets from that night. This allowed me to really see that my God shaped hole needs to be filled with nothing other, than God. And God gives me wonderful and beautiful people , as works of his own hands, works of art, miracles to fill inside my heart.

Wow. How’s that for 365 days? All this in a matter of 12 hours during my New Year’s celebration. No, lie. As a member of AA it is my responsibility to lend my hand out to those sick and suffering, in need of some kind of hope. Happy New Year; I wish you all hope and peace, comfort and a filler of that God shaped hole.

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Emotional hangover

Leaving my hometown yesterday, I drove having a huge heartache, confusion, and an overwhelming pain.

While I was able to enjoy my family, going to that area is always difficult for me. I left feeling crazy, trapped in the past. I spent my last years in that house, sick and dying. Many bad things happened in that town and the neighbor towns. Being that I was sober, and not actively engaging in old eating disorder behaviors, I was surrounded in bad memories, flashbacks, bad feelings, and scary emotions.

I felt distant from reality, scared, depressed, anxious, hurt, sad, angry, numb, distressed, and probably another swarm of emotions I don’t even know how to tolerate or name.

I felt as if I was reliving dark periods of my past, but sober. And living through it sober is excruciating. No wonder I drank, and binged and purged until I was exhausted for four years. I left, and talked on the phone with my sponsor for more than an hour and went to an AA meeting.

Today, I am OK. I am not great, nor am I good. But I am OK and able to function a little better.

I just wish all my broken pieces would be put together, already. This recovery, treatment, everything is just exhausting and painful and I would like to be healed now, please and thank you.

What is it like to be free? What is it like to spread your wings, fly without worrying that you’ll run into the dashboard of a speeding car driving 100 mph down a freeway?

I went to an AA meeting last night and was feeling that confused, separated, distant self that has been consuming be for the past almost week. I was sitting there while people were reading the chapters out of the “Came to Believe” book.

One of the things that really stuck out to me was this:

“It is my belief that the feeling of emptiness was my own doing… I wanted to stay up in a cloud with God — it was my place to be down among the suffering, not up there in the cloud. As long as I keep my feet on the ground, among the suffering, God will come down and remain always with me.”

– Came to Believe pg. 75

I have been feeling spiritually drained lately. I think part of my problem is that I have forgotten one of the key principles of AA. Not just AA, but I have forgotten the root of my christianity, relationship with God. When we are spiritually weak, we feel spiritually week. (At least, that is my perspective.)

So I know the problem. And that easily gives me the solution — dropping down to my knees and reaching out to God. Being with God, with Jesus, my savior. Where have I gone? I have begun to wander around aimlessly, losing sight on what my life is even supposed to be about. I need to plant myself in the Bible. I need to be praying daily, and not just for myself. I need to water my spiritual plant, or it’s going to continue wilting until it shrivels up and dies.

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My Angry Girl

My angry girl — that’s what I call my 19-year-old self. She is the girl who learned about drinking the hard way. She’s the one who was sexually assaulted and she is the one who was heavily engaged in her eating disorder. She is the angry one; who spent her days living off of broccoli and mustard, carrots and mustard, lettuce and lemon juice and pepper and spent her nights consuming pasta, pizza, bread, french fries, chocolates, cakes, and then throwing up into trash bags, doubled up in her bedroom. She did this until 4 a.m. or unless she was physically exhausted before. In between she chugged beers and wine and smoked out of her window.

This is my angry girl. Sometimes, something in my brain snaps or clicks and she comes around. She’s stubborn and protective of her eating disorder. She goes off spouting about how being honest and reaching out for help makes her fat, and she screams about how her body is becoming disgusting, and the way to fix that is to stop everything, drop everything and retreat. There is no negotiating or reasoning with my angry girl.

I was journaling last night about one of the worst time periods with my anorexia and binging and purging. And suddenly, after tapping into that, my angry girl came around. I know she’s angry, and she’s sick, but I cannot function arguing with her and usually, she’s louder.

So I am trying to manage following this meal plan and yet, I can’t help but mentally freaking out. I am trying to manage me, and her, and it’s just a constant war zone right now. I’ve retained another pound, so I am up two pounds since my struggles this month, and while that happens, I can’t help but freaking out. It’s overwhelming, and I am just tired of talking about weight, calories and food. But, this is recovery, I guess.

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Step One: My life is totally unmanageable!

Step One: Accepted that we were powerless over our (eating disorders) and that our lives had become unmanageable.

Um…amen? It’s been a really eye-opening week. I never realized on strong my anorexic mind was lately. I knew that I was controlling, had rituals, and was trying to manage things, but I have never seen my life start to feel unmanageable.

I’ve been sleeping all the time. Literally, I sleep until about 12 p.m. or even 1 p.m. and then I go to work. After work I go to an AA meeting at 10 p.m. and then I go to bed and repeat the cycle. And whenever I am not working, I am sleeping and going to meetings.

Also; on Saturday, I put my job at risk. I could not wake up and I was supposed to be in work by 10 a.m. I woke up at 10:30 because I literally was in this sleep coma/passed out. And I woke up and I panicked, didn’t call my job and when I showed up, the manager on duty said, “Hi. Go home.” I asked if I could explain and she said, I could and then to go home. I left, crying. After a few minutes of gathering my thoughts, I ran upstairs to her office and started sobbing. I was balling about how I didn’t mean to be passed out and that I am trying and I panicked and I really need this job. She told me to call next time, go downstairs and eat something high in calories, and to clock in.

That was a really hard day. Then the past three days, I have been following my meal plan but I feel like I am always hungry. It’s like my body is saying “Oh, what is this?! NOM NOM NOM!” and then I get scared of eating too much, gaining too much weight too fast, and blowing up.

I have this constant evil tug of war going on in my brain lately. Last night I went to sleep and literally felt my body as if it was this huge chubby thing. I thought, well that’s that, I am way too big to be anorexic or even have an eating disorder.

Then today, I tried. I had a really good day at work, but I was really struggling with my intake. I got to about 900 calories today, which is 600 less than I am supposed to have. But I just couldn’t do it today. I am freaking out about my body and I am so confused and one minute I am like, “hell yea, let’s do this, fuck ed,” and then the next it’s me freaking out wanting to cry screaming, ‘What the hell are you doing, stop, stop, stop!”

My eating disorder is being such an ass hole right now ad a bitch! She needs to go away!!!

I am looking forward though, to New Year’s Eve this year. I will be working a normal shift, and then I will be going to an AA dance. So excited! I will have one year on January First, New Year’s Day. Holla!! So I will be dancing for the countdown, then I will be sharing my story at an AA alcothon at 4 a.m. and then I will go to work at 8 a.m. and have therapy at 5:30 p.m. and then I will zonk out and sleep until the next afternoon. Yay!

Why, yes…I am very angry right now

I rather angry today. What started out as a peaceful day with subtle irritability is turning into a whirlwind of anger. Today I decided I was really going to try to make it to my caloric goal, which has been hard lately. No worries; there was not a spiral of relapse, but it’s been a struggle to eat as much as my team suggested.

Reaching out for support and trying to gear myself up for the day, I reached out to one person. Although it most likely was not intended to sound this way, all I got from reading the text message was “just do it.”

Then, strangely, that reaction triggered an anger inside. I don’t know why, but it did. So then I decided, OK, I am going to eat my 1500 calories today. I pushed through and then suddenly didn’t realize why I was even doing it. I have a fear of gaining weight, which comes from eating all day long, right? Well, apparently I am wrong. No one seems to understand this insane fear of gaining weight. And it’s frustrating.

Then I texted my doctor (former doctor by January) and was trying to get support that way. I figured I would tell her my goal, and then after a few texts of me expressing that it was hard, I received a response that said, “Okay, enough about the eating.” So then I just got more angry.

I responded that I was only trying to get support. I NEED that support in order to consume all my calories for the day because I never do. Usually I come in right under, if not by halfway.

So now I just feel like saying fuck it. I know I was doing this for myself, but I needed support today, and didn’t seem to get it or at least, things were misunderstood or I don’t even know. All I know is that I am now frustrated, and angry, and feel like saying “That’s it, I am done for the day.”