Tag Archives: work

Step One: My life is totally unmanageable!

Step One: Accepted that we were powerless over our (eating disorders) and that our lives had become unmanageable.

Um…amen? It’s been a really eye-opening week. I never realized on strong my anorexic mind was lately. I knew that I was controlling, had rituals, and was trying to manage things, but I have never seen my life start to feel unmanageable.

I’ve been sleeping all the time. Literally, I sleep until about 12 p.m. or even 1 p.m. and then I go to work. After work I go to an AA meeting at 10 p.m. and then I go to bed and repeat the cycle. And whenever I am not working, I am sleeping and going to meetings.

Also; on Saturday, I put my job at risk. I could not wake up and I was supposed to be in work by 10 a.m. I woke up at 10:30 because I literally was in this sleep coma/passed out. And I woke up and I panicked, didn’t call my job and when I showed up, the manager on duty said, “Hi. Go home.” I asked if I could explain and she said, I could and then to go home. I left, crying. After a few minutes of gathering my thoughts, I ran upstairs to her office and started sobbing. I was balling about how I didn’t mean to be passed out and that I am trying and I panicked and I really need this job. She told me to call next time, go downstairs and eat something high in calories, and to clock in.

That was a really hard day. Then the past three days, I have been following my meal plan but I feel like I am always hungry. It’s like my body is saying “Oh, what is this?! NOM NOM NOM!” and then I get scared of eating too much, gaining too much weight too fast, and blowing up.

I have this constant evil tug of war going on in my brain lately. Last night I went to sleep and literally felt my body as if it was this huge chubby thing. I thought, well that’s that, I am way too big to be anorexic or even have an eating disorder.

Then today, I tried. I had a really good day at work, but I was really struggling with my intake. I got to about 900 calories today, which is 600 less than I am supposed to have. But I just couldn’t do it today. I am freaking out about my body and I am so confused and one minute I am like, “hell yea, let’s do this, fuck ed,” and then the next it’s me freaking out wanting to cry screaming, ‘What the hell are you doing, stop, stop, stop!”

My eating disorder is being such an ass hole right now ad a bitch! She needs to go away!!!

I am looking forward though, to New Year’s Eve this year. I will be working a normal shift, and then I will be going to an AA dance. So excited! I will have one year on January First, New Year’s Day. Holla!! So I will be dancing for the countdown, then I will be sharing my story at an AA alcothon at 4 a.m. and then I will go to work at 8 a.m. and have therapy at 5:30 p.m. and then I will zonk out and sleep until the next afternoon. Yay!

Advertisements

Surviving in a situation you can’t escape

I’m not sure how to handle dealing with long-term perseverance. While I have come to love writing and journalism (that is my current profession) I also know where I want to be long-term from here and it’s a matter of patience and taking steps to do it.

It feels like an impossible journey to reach the other side, even though I can see the other side. It’s a matter of trusting that if I want it bad enough, I will make it happen. I have been stubborn most of my life, so I can use that to my advantage.

But here is where I am stuck. I have accepted, or have to consistently remind myself of acceptance that I work where I work right now. It is my job. It’s not the job itself, but the people. I feel so out-of-place, disliked, odd girl out, belittled and unimportant.

I feel replaceable. I haven’t said a work for over 30 minutes. I am not going to speak for another hour and a half. Silence is my cry, I guess. I don’t think it would be noticed anyway.

So here is where I need help, my followers and subscribers, readers and supporters:

When you are in a situation you are working to change but can’t in the minute, how do you push through without sacrificing your self-worth and inner feelings and confidence? How do you keep grounded and just not be pulled into a whirlpool of self-hatred because of how others make you feel at work. Let’s go! How do you stay a-float until the day is over, shift is done and it’s time to go home?

“The act of putting pen to paper encourages pause for thought, this in turn makes us think more deeply about life, which helps us regain our equilibrium.” -Norbet Platt

My day feels like a long round of tail chasing. Since this morning, I felt like I was always trying to catch up. It was rush, rush, rush and no time to breathe.

I woke up 15 minutes late this morning, thus I was unable to get my morning coffee before therapy. Then, I was 30 minutes late to work. I ended up getting caught up at work for an extra hour and this created a 25 minute delay to make it to AA.

My anger continued today; all day. And while I received some good feedback, I have yet to understand that my anger really is NOT towards the food.

Right now, sitting in my body, I feel bloated and chubby, and really, really not thrilled with my physique. However, I felt the dire need of getting to my AA meeting. When I finally left work, by the time I’d get to the meeting, I would have missed half of it.

Well, I was really late because my car ran out of gas. I was stranded on the side of the road. My first reaction would typically be frustration or panic but in this case I just sat there.

The car was cold, bitter and stinging and I just sat there. It was about 20 minutes before I reached out and called someone to help me get my car going again.

Nobody was available on immediate response but eventually I got a hold of my sponsor and she arranged for someone in my area from my AA home group to run some gas to my car.

I had never met this person, and yet he came to my aid. I had people responding immediately to come to me and keeping in contact to make sure I was safe.

In the mean time, I just sat there, breathing and “being”. I was cold. I was shivering. I was just faced with myself, locked in a car, and I was okay. I was alive and calm and just myself.

Of course I had my sarcastic reaction and mockery of myself as I finally made calls and got myself taken care of, but for a second, I took a second to pause. Recovery is such hard work and even though this intense approach is very necessary, taking a minute to just breathe and be in the middle of no where was somewhat reviving.