Step One: Accepted that we were powerless over our (eating disorders) and that our lives had become unmanageable.
Um…amen? It’s been a really eye-opening week. I never realized on strong my anorexic mind was lately. I knew that I was controlling, had rituals, and was trying to manage things, but I have never seen my life start to feel unmanageable.
I’ve been sleeping all the time. Literally, I sleep until about 12 p.m. or even 1 p.m. and then I go to work. After work I go to an AA meeting at 10 p.m. and then I go to bed and repeat the cycle. And whenever I am not working, I am sleeping and going to meetings.
Also; on Saturday, I put my job at risk. I could not wake up and I was supposed to be in work by 10 a.m. I woke up at 10:30 because I literally was in this sleep coma/passed out. And I woke up and I panicked, didn’t call my job and when I showed up, the manager on duty said, “Hi. Go home.” I asked if I could explain and she said, I could and then to go home. I left, crying. After a few minutes of gathering my thoughts, I ran upstairs to her office and started sobbing. I was balling about how I didn’t mean to be passed out and that I am trying and I panicked and I really need this job. She told me to call next time, go downstairs and eat something high in calories, and to clock in.
That was a really hard day. Then the past three days, I have been following my meal plan but I feel like I am always hungry. It’s like my body is saying “Oh, what is this?! NOM NOM NOM!” and then I get scared of eating too much, gaining too much weight too fast, and blowing up.
I have this constant evil tug of war going on in my brain lately. Last night I went to sleep and literally felt my body as if it was this huge chubby thing. I thought, well that’s that, I am way too big to be anorexic or even have an eating disorder.
Then today, I tried. I had a really good day at work, but I was really struggling with my intake. I got to about 900 calories today, which is 600 less than I am supposed to have. But I just couldn’t do it today. I am freaking out about my body and I am so confused and one minute I am like, “hell yea, let’s do this, fuck ed,” and then the next it’s me freaking out wanting to cry screaming, ‘What the hell are you doing, stop, stop, stop!”
My eating disorder is being such an ass hole right now ad a bitch! She needs to go away!!!
I am looking forward though, to New Year’s Eve this year. I will be working a normal shift, and then I will be going to an AA dance. So excited! I will have one year on January First, New Year’s Day. Holla!! So I will be dancing for the countdown, then I will be sharing my story at an AA alcothon at 4 a.m. and then I will go to work at 8 a.m. and have therapy at 5:30 p.m. and then I will zonk out and sleep until the next afternoon. Yay!