Tag Archives: writing

When I never was a person

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Mirrors didn’t matter, but neither did my presence
Insanity chased me more when I had to live in silence
Stuck in the spider web, tangled in the  shadows
The black widow came along, and jammed in its teeth
I climbed through a window as the room spun around me
I couldn’t make it to a shower, I could not let anyone see
Hide below the blankets and sob in the quiet
You remember the only thought pounding in your mind
“What did I do? What did I do? What did I do?”
“How will I wake up tomorrow, how will I face him?”
I’ll do it by disappearing, I’ll pull an abracadabra
Before they know it, I’ll be gone and nothing can touch me again
My skin won’t exist, and my body isn’t real
With lips sewn shut, and nonexistent tear ducts
I won’t feel and I will not be, because of your choices imprisoning me
There is no one in here anymore, that girl you used to know
She went away, into the sky, and all that remains is me
I’m not a person, people can make choices and I certainly didn’t
If you want to speak to her, let me know, I speak for her
Because her voice isn’t real, and neither is she
But when you stare hard, into my soul, you can catch a glimpse of a girl
Just a shadow, an outline of her, but then blink, she flies away
I grit my teeth, keep her hidden, because the last time she was a person
She turned into an object and that pain is too much to handle
So again I say, she is not here, you have to go through me to get to her

Furthering education

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For the past year, I have not been in school. I graduated college with my BA in journalism in May 2011. It is hard to believe I have been out in the real world, working as a reporter for more than a year-and-a-half. The more I reflect, the more I realize since graduating college, everything that I have been through and it’s been a miracle I survived.

I took a non-matriculated course immediately after graduating college in higher education, for NM graduate.school. It was in writing arts, however, mid-way through the semester, I was tired of it and did not have the heart.

Now, almost two years later, more than anything I long for going back to school. My heart often freezes in mid beat at the thought of furthering my education and getting my MA. My college has a new graduate track for psychology/counseling, and I want to do that.

More than anything, right now, I want to go. I figure it this way – I am going to be paying back for my eating disorder treatment for the next 5 to 10 years. I will also be paying back the remainder of my undergrad college for the next 5 to 10 years. I will be paying my parents back for a medical bill for the next 3 to 6 years, and I will be paying back a loan for the admission of treatment for the next 5 to 10 years. So, why not freeze my loans for college, go back to school, study something extremely meaningful to me, now, and get my master’s in this counseling program.

If I am paying back, why not pay back for something worth it?? There are so many good things to this. No one can take a college education from you, so why not further my study in what I am passionate about, that took me to now to learn?

So, I am. I told my parents tonight, I am going back to school.

I shall keep the blog posted on this…for this is huge in my life. And this is what I would like to call a dream.

Wow. I actually have a dream I want to chase?!story

Because I couldn’t cry

As I was driving down the road, from town to town, the ground became wet.
The sky, a bright blue, without a blemish supported the white and radiating clouds in the sky.
While I watched the road lines blur as they were eaten under my car as I drove by
Without a gray color in sight, it began to pour.
The skies opened, and the water fell, splashing drops on my windshield.
It was as if the sky was crying for me, because I couldn’t.

Bringing meditation, writing and yoga to a new level

I’m not sure about everyone else, but I have a hard time slowing down, unwinding and just simply “being” throughout the day. Working seven days a week is exhausting. Not to mention, working seven days a week, having therapy twice a week, AA meetings at least three times a week and group once a week.

Keeping the mind healthy, along with whatever is going on inside, is not an easy thing to do. For me, I find myself getting frustrated with doing things the “right way” or just letting the thoughts come and noticing them… Uh, yeah, that sucks! So with my mission to grasp a better understanding of meditation I went on a Google hunt!

I stumbled across this really nifty website for meditation, but it incorporates not only the common physical body aspect of yoga, or physical activity, mindfulness and thinking, but also writing.

I have always been and will always be a writer. I channel everything through writing, clearly I am spilling my life out on the internet. There is something extremely untouchable with writing. Words that are written are your words and your words only. You spoke them, you wrote them and they are irreplaceable.

This website is something I am going to look into and will see if it helps. It states: “Sit. Write. Stretch.” and gives writing prompts, simple poses for stretching, meditation exercises and other resources. Check it!