Today I feel distant. I’m in this thought process of being in my body while eating, and seeing my body, after eating, and constantly thinking about food.
Since I began to follow my meal plan as close to 100 percent as possible, about a week ago, all I think about is food. I don’t want it, then I want it, then i don’t, then I do, and it raises these intense urges to binge and purge — I haven’t binged in about nine months. In the past six months, I have only purged three times. This is all amazing.
However; every since journaling, I tend to tap into my younger self, my angry girl, that I wrote about yesterday. And it’s not a fun experience. Along with her mentality, the ED mentality is glued to hers. So then it becomes this battle of me being in recovery, trying to eat and then simultaneously I have this screaming voice and mind and it’s physically paining.
Last night, in this three-people argument, I couldn’t do it. I just could not manage all the thoughts, and sights, and feelings, and I collapsed on my floor, pulled myself into a fetal position, protecting myself from flashbacks, sobbing, gasping, and I could not breathe.
In the midst of this, I tried being in touch with my therapist through it, but that just led to feeling lost, alone, angry, and stupid. Throw some embarrassment in there and we have a winner.
In all seriousness; I kept saying “You’re expecting too much from me in this moment,” and “I need you to realize you can’t push me that hard in THIS moment,” because I could hardly manage it. I know that my “angry girl” says that I didn’t matter, but I tell her back that no, I did matter, but I was misunderstood and pushed too hard.
I also felt alone in it, with no heads up. I almost feel like it would be helpful to just know ahead of time (only if possible) that the conversation will have to end soon, or something, so it’s not a feeling of me asking not to be left, while I am experiencing what I am, but being abandoned in it.
I know factually that is not the case; but it is how I feel. And I am feeling like I just don’t care. But the problem is I do.
So that leave me here, today, feeling like apparently, medically, my weight is almost to where our compromised goal is, but I feel like I have gained way more than what I may be. I also feel like I’m not comfortable with how things look. I also know that I am in this boxing ring with my angry girl and I don’t want to knock her out, but I feel like she is knocking me out. I really don’t know how to feel right now, and I know the world isn’t ending, but, hell, it’s my right to validate myself and feel like the world is ending and that I’m completely disoriented (maybe, if the numbers say so) while I don’t see things accurately. And that really pisses me off.
May I find peace in this uncertain world. 