This often heard phrase is constantly on my mind since last night. My sobriety date is 1/1/11.
I am celebrating one year of sobriety, as of the first of the new year. The count down to the new year of 2013 had more meaning than any New Year’s Eve. For the past 365 days, I have been attending meetings, I went away for two months for eating disorder treatment, I’ve moved homes four times, I’ve been homeless, I’ve been home, I’ve made new family, I have repaired relationships with my blood family. I have surrendered my life to God, and was baptized as a new born Christian and developed an early, but growing relationship with Jesus — my savior.
A turn of events New Year’s Eve brought me through a few ups and downs while I celebrated my anniversary. There were things I could not predict and they were things that God did for me. Then there were things that God did for me that I could not do for myself.
When I first came into the program of AA, I did not think I was an alcoholic. I just drank “too much.” I was strung out and trying to break away from the addiction of heroin and crack, while restraining from self-harm in the form of burning and cutting. Also, I began to put together the pieces in this journey of recovery from my anorexia.
I say “my” anorexia, because that is exactly what it is. It’s mine. It’s mine to keep, and mine to let go of. Slowly, my heart has been revived and I’ve had people love me until I could learn to love myself. I hope to one day be able to love and accept myself for who I am, as much as others do today. And as much as they did when I first came to know them, when I was dying.
Today I am alive and in the process of repairing all the shattered pieces of a broken girl. In these past 365 days, I have learned about my past experiences for what they were; not what I thought or believed they “should be.” I can accept that I am working on healing from a devastating sexual assault and also, desperate measures to put myself back together before I learned that there was only one way out — God.
God saved my life and put people in my path to help in the process of keeping me alive. Recently, I have been struggling with restriction for I was trying to live and manage difficult issues. I was fortunate enough to have someone who loved me enough to be honest and help me out of denial.
While sharing my story on New Year’s Day at 4 a.m. of my one year meeting, I was reliving painful things in my life, but allowed myself to be honest and real, sharing about how I got to where I am today and why I am who I am. In the process, something clicked. I had shared that I need to take care of my health and body.
Although this seems like a simple answer, it became more entangled and complicated. But when I was in a situation where God lifted my eyes right back to him, and reminded me to stay away from distractions and stay true to myself, I took control of my body and used my voice to say “no” and express my limits and boundaries and today, I have no regrets from that night. This allowed me to really see that my God shaped hole needs to be filled with nothing other, than God. And God gives me wonderful and beautiful people , as works of his own hands, works of art, miracles to fill inside my heart.
Wow. How’s that for 365 days? All this in a matter of 12 hours during my New Year’s celebration. No, lie. As a member of AA it is my responsibility to lend my hand out to those sick and suffering, in need of some kind of hope. Happy New Year; I wish you all hope and peace, comfort and a filler of that God shaped hole.
May I find peace in this uncertain world. 