Monthly Archives: May 2012

Honest?

So I am laying here, trying to sleep and I can’t. I’m hungry.

It’s been so long since I’ve been struck with a hunger.

I haven’t binged nor purged in more than a week.

That’s great.

I know.

But, I think the voice is back.

It crept. It crawled, and it clawed.

Over the past week, if not more, my appetite drastically dwindled.

Truly, no hunger. Until now.

The paced eating dwindled. The hunger vanished.

Until now. I think it’s back.

I don’t want anorexia. No.

But, I think I’m losing weight. I’m not positive, but I feel pieces of me fading.

Slowly.

And my intake may be less than I anticipated. Perhaps, by more than half.

It’s easy, though. I haven’t been hungry, truly, until now. And suddenly, I realize I am.

I guess I haven’t been eating. I thought I was. But, perhaps, hardly anything at all.

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Ghost

ghost [noun]

2. a mere shadow or semblance; a trace: He’s a ghost of his former self.
5. the principle of life; soul; spirit.
I had a strange dream last night. While I cannot remember the specific details of conversation in the dream, I can definitely remember what the dream was about. Somehow, I was in a rehab, but I was not a patient. I believe I was visiting. Suddenly I realized I had magic powers. Then, I came into contact with a ghost.
I could not see the ghost, and I don’t know what she looked like, but in my dream, I was very aware that the ghost was me. I started communicating with the ghost. I would write questions or statements on a piece of paper or white board and a response would appear from the ghost.
I found myself asking the ghost questions about my sexual assault and my stripping incident. At first, the ghost did not want to talk to me. She said I couldn’t talk about it and that she wanted to be cautious. Finally, I was able to persuade her to talk about these things. And we did.
While I don’t know what this dream means. I did talk about it with someone and came to an understanding that possibly a ghost symbolizes a transition from one place to another. There was also the possibility, and based off of some definitions I found that I listed above, that the ghost was symbolic of my younger self. The self that I often disconnect from and push away because that teen self was sexually assaulted and developed an extreme eating disorder, alcoholism and drug addiction to cope with that incident.
Perhaps this means that I am coming to a new understanding. Maybe my two selves, then and now, are not opposing and in combat, but are collaborating and now just merely, co-existing. I’m not entirely sure. Thoughts?

The Sun Will Rise

“I can see the weight there in your eyes, I can feel the thorn in your side
Your knuckles are bruised from a losing fight, one way down a dead end street
Broken glass underneath your feet, you think the day won’t break the sunless night

The sun will rise, the sun will rise.
When you’ve lost your lights, the sun will rise
It’ll be alright, it’ll be alright

I’ve been in stuck in a storm before, felt the wind raging at my door
Couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t find a way out
Somehow my clouds disappeared, somehow I made it here
maybe just so you could hear me say

The sun will rise, the sun will rise.
When you’ve lost your lights, the sun will rise
It’ll be alright, it’ll be alright

And though you can’t see it’s so hard to believe it
Sometimes you just need a little faith
There’s an answer to your prayer and I swear that there’ll come a day.

The sun will rise, the sun will rise”

Crawling out of victim

After leaving therapy this morning, wired and emotional from discussing the anniversary of my sexual assault (which was Memorial Day), I walked to my car with this new understanding about my feelings, emotions, and experience. In fact, I’d say it was very important information that aided in a boost in my comprehension of not only my situation, but myself and what happened.

As I approached my car, I thought I was hallucinating but came to the sudden and alarm realization that there was a male inside of my car. Now, my car was locked when I left for therapy, so how could someone be inside of the car. Oh, yeah…. I was being robbed.

This experience was not only disorienting, but also my first experience since taking a self-defense course, having dealt with my sexual assault, and learning to get out of the victim persona. The male was not much bigger than me, and couldn’t have been that much older either. I’d say between 18 and 23 years old.

Regardless, after I assessed what was going on and realized, “oh, shit, I am being robbed,” everything in the world stopped, including my emotional mind. The young man got out of my car, hanger in hand and began to walk away as if nothing happened.

Uh, yeah right. I was not going to let another man steal anything from me. I told him to stop, just stop. I asked him what he took, to give back what was mine…now. And he assured me he hadn’t gotten anything. Most likely, it was because I had arrived to my car just in time.

When he showed me his pockets, he emptied them, he swore he didn’t have anything of mine. By the time he took off his shoes to show me he truly didn’t have anything, this was the point that I knew two things:

1. He wasn’t armed.
2. I was in 100% control of the situation.

I told him to stop and stand right there. Just stop. I checked my car to make sure nothing was missing, for certain from inside, and then turned to the young man. He faced me looking at his watch, his ring, knowing he was caught. He offered to give me his watch, his ring, money, anything. Because I knew I was no longer in physical danger and had what was mine, I had something serious to say. I wasn’t done at just “stop” or “give me what’s mine back!”

I turned to him and told him since nothing was missing that I wasn’t calling the cops. Part of me didn’t want to involve the police out of subtle fear of prolonging a controlled situation. Obviously now, I know different ways that I could follow with the police, but in this moment, I sure as hell did the best I could, gave the kid an earful and sent him with a message.

I told him not to break into any more cars, or to steal. But more importantly, I told him, why. I said that the items that are stolen, while important, are not what he is stealing. I said by doing this, he is stealing my security, my safety, and that cannot be easily taken back. He told me he didn’t realize, and did now. And with that, I drove off.

Of course, police should have been called but in this moment, I was not going to be a victim at that time. I cried after it was over and sure, I have post-incident feelings of paranoia or fear that I will walk into my car, and feel unsafe. However, I did fight him back, with my voice, and did not let him take anything of mine except my words.

I’m not here, I’m not here, this isn’t happening.

“How To Disappear Completely”

That there, that’s not me. I go where I please
I walk through walls, I float down the Liffey.

I’m not here, This isn’t happening, I’m not here, I’m not here

In a little while, I’ll be gone. The moment’s already passed, Yeah, it’s gone

I’m not here, This isn’t happening. I’m not here, I’m not here

Strobe lights and blown speakers, Fireworks and hurricanes

I’m not here, This isn’t happening. I’m not here, I’m not here….