Courage.

I feel like I have been forced to grow up a lot this past year. I’d like to say the past two years, but most accurately, I had no choice but to grow up, fast. When I was 19, I felt like I had to grow up too fast. I experienced things that typically, girls learn and experience in a paced manner, in different stages in their lives. But me? I experienced my first “real” kiss, which was a drunk kiss, my first “sexual” behaviors, my first drunk experience, my first time getting high, the first time I cut.

Then, this past year, I was forced to become an adult instantly. Within the year I had to move out, graduate, get a job, get another job, move out again, live alone, take care of myself, establish some sort of community, get well, recover, deal head on with trauma, relive that trauma, get clean from drugs, deal with the aftermath of a one-night strip show, get sober, maintain cutting and burning urges, work on my eating disorder, get control of relapses, take care of my car, start learning that I have a voice as a weapon. All of these things happened too fast.

Now; I am sober. I have stayed sober. I am dealing with my “trauma” and trying to understand sexuality overall. I am attempting to find a job, hopefully, that will allow me to feel safe and content, happy, and free and to focus on the future and try to figure out where I want to plant myself for a longer time. I am trying to get stable in life. I’m left winded,it’s fucking scary, but I am not giving up… I am growing up.