Exposed: My Story (Update Nov. 19, 2014)

Eating. Drinking. Smoking. Snorting. Weighing. Hurting. Burning. Cutting. Starving.
Purging. Praying. Stripping. Weighing. Binging. Dying.

These are words are verbs, actions. These words are not who I am, but things I have done. These things don’t make up a person or even describe a person. They are things that people DO. Why? For myself it is how I survived in the world starting in my very late teen years. These things were my way of living, dying, punishing, forgetting, numbing, functioning and coping. These are my sanctuary, my safety and at the same time, a double-edged sword that was jabbing away at my soul, my spirit and my life. (Read full story)

Do you see this little girl?

Look at this little girl, the silly smile on her face
see her tiny dimples, and sunglasses perfectly in place
She’s only a young toddler, the entire world before of her
But if you knew the road ahead, your heart would become heavier

Do you see this little girl, innocent and small?
Her parents love all of her as they watch her learn to crawl.
She’s only a few years old, but has an old soul
Always laughing and playing, her future still untold

You focus on her smile and the light in her eyes
It’s hard to believe years down the road a darkness will rise
You couldn’t see the shadow, even if you wanted to
Inside this little girl, a disease began to grow

She will be bullied and taunted, pushed and shoved
Her heart will shrink and she’ll feel unloved
Her once loud laughter will shrink down to silence
Her bright smile will fade, and she’ll meet quiet violence

People won’t hear her, so she’ll turn inward with her pain
What used to beam sunshine, only storms inside and rains
Her hope will begin to dwindle as she slowly slips away
But it’s only going to get darker, from glitter to gray

She will find her way to fit in after yearning to be wanted
She takes her first sip of alcohol, takes sobriety for granted
Turning into the life of the party, she’s the center of all the jokes
She just wants to be loved, but people prod and poke

She’ll give up on trust and love by the time she’s nineteen
When a man twice as old as her gets on his knees
Her voice is gone, she can’t make a sound as she sits paralyzed
She turns to stone, gives him his way, and inside breaks and cries

By now she’s lost her faith in God and turns to worship booze
Now an alcoholic, she’s lost her ability to choose
Not long from now, it won’t be enough as she rolls a dollar bill
She’ll snort away her problems, as heroin moves in for the kill

Nothing takes away her despair, her stomach full of guilt
She throws up her food, her shame, the life she could have built
When puking isn’t enough, and starvation is the only way
She turns her brokenness inward, stops eating and fades away

Once a healthy baby girl, she is dying inside and hopeless
No matter how much weight is lost, all she see’s is ugliness
She screams and yells, but no one else can hear
So she runs to the blade and she slices and tears

This little girl, now 21, is hollowed out and empty
This shell of a woman, no where to go, steps on the stage for money
Do you see this dancing girl, a friendless and pained daughter
There’s no way out she’s become her own slaughter

Now rewind time, back inside the playpen, look at the girl there
You wouldn’t know by looking, but you can see me if you stare.
You see, I am this little girl, now grown up and fighting to live
While I can’t protect her, I can try to help her forgive

Nothing could have prepared her for the broken road ahead
But she needs you here, she needs you now, because she’s not yet dead
Listen to the little girl, and when she asks hold her hand
Because I am her, all grown up, and still need help to stand

Back to school

I can definitely tell I am back into school for the semester. I have my first quiz on Monday (tomorrow) and I’m really overwhelmed about it because research methods is the scariest class I’ve taken yet. I can’t wait to finish with the credits I need added on to my BA so that I can start prepping for the GREs and then get into grad school. I know I have to keep the big picture in mind that I am working toward my larger goal.

About a year and a half ago, I discovered what my passion was and what I wanted to do for a living. Originally, I had planned to take courses needed and get my license in addiction counseling. However, after thinking hard about this, I decided I needed to, for myself, go back to school and achieve my master’s degree in mental health psychology so I can get a masters level license. I also want to be able to teach adjunct courses at a college in my other degrees – communications, journalism, creative writing, and eventually psychology.

I’m waiting to hear back from one of two rehab facilities I applied at for a job, now that I have two years sober. I am just waiting and I have to find a way to manage my anxiety.

Jingle-Jingle

This morning was wonderful. I went with my sponsor to my home group this morning and finally received my 2-year coin! Not to mention, my sponsor handed down to me her own 2-year coin, and it is probably my favorite, most special coin I have in my collection of sobriety change. It is mind-blowing that two years ago, I was searching desperately for the answer if I was even an alcoholic, let alone getting sober, and staying sober. I’ve been through a handful of sponsors, and now have one that is near and dear to me. She knows her shit and works the program. I love how my AA life is today.

I remember when I was hopping from meeting to meeting, and things felt unstable. I’m happy in my home group. Another thing that was precious was watching the other 20 something alcoholics getting their coins for various anniversary time. It warmed my heart to see families proud of their loved ones, the hugs, and continuous hope in how AA brought broken people together again.

What I shared when I was given my coin — That a year ago, I struggled with being an alcoholic (why me? why did I have to go through this? why do I have to be this way?) and today, more so even recently, I’m finding a way to turn something damaging into something positive. I’m finding my purpose.

21 Months Later

It’s been a very busy several months and unfortunately, I have strayed from continuing to document my progress on this road to recovery. There are so many places I could start but it seems easiest to back-track from where I am today. I’ve now been sober more than 21 months, a miracle I never saw happening. I may have forgotten how much of an alcoholic I was (still am) almost two years in. However, it is something I no longer have the freedom to choose. I cannot and will not ever be able to drink safely. And that isn’t a death sentence. Sure, it is really difficult trying to keep my brain and cravings that come up occasionally under control. It’s very difficult being a 24-year-old in this world. Everyone seems to be so focused on the next high, the next party, or the next lay. It appears that in this generation, it has become an every-day behavior to just have sex, shoot up, snort, and get plastered drunk. While I may not understand the joy in partying, I understand the pain and turmoil that was constantly a party host.

Of course, I’m human and a young adult woman, so it’s only normal to sometimes forget the truth in what goes on in parties or social gatherings today, but the thing that always needs to be on the front burner of my brain is that no good comes out of it, at least for me. I’m truly blessed that God did not allow any more destruction to happen in my life than what has and today it’s a process of acceptance. Am I able to genuinely say, ‘hey, yeah, that happened, but it’s not who I am, and God promises everything happens for the good of his people.”

Romans 8:28 – And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, who have been called according to his purpose.

Those are some encouraging words, but not necessarily the easiest to apply in times of trial or struggle. But, I am trying. I’ve managed to lose a couple sponsees, but also gain another who has hit a very deep bottom. I hope that God gives her the strength and calls her back to Him so that she may get her life back. I’m blessed to have this opportunity and if I was not sober, or even passionate about helping others, I wouldn’t be in this situation – and for that I am grateful.

So as far as my sobriety recovery goes, I’ve come to attempt to practice the reality that while yes, I am an alcoholic, that is not my identity. A wise man shared with me a few weeks ago that I no longer need to use that as my title, regardless of if I am in a meeting or not. The truth is, as said by this wise man, that my name is Brittany, and I was lost and dying as an alcoholic and drug addict, but I am in recovery and walking with God as a new creation.

 

Sponsorship

It’s been a real trying couple days. In addition to the loss of my little hammy, I had to manage a crisis with my young sponsee — the 15-year-old. It’s sad but she simply just stopped doing the things that help keep us alcoholics sober. I was at a meeting and she showed up high out of her mind. While it was sad to watch, I knew that she just was not ready to let go of drugs.

Yesterday, I finally said to her, “What are you doing? What do you want to do?” She responded that she wasn’t going to drink or do “drugs” anymore, but she was not ready to give up pot. I simply told her that I can’t help her if she is going to continually get high. It really sucked having to let her go. Basically, I said that I would be here, will always be here, and that when she hits her bottom and is ready to get sober, I will more than willingly help her. I want to help her now, but I can’t get sober for her. It’s hard to see someone you want so badly to get this, and they simply cannot. At least I planted the seed, so I am told.

But, I just pray her bottom is not as bad as mine was. The funny thing is though, that my life is just ah-ha. God clearly is the driver of my life. I was having a really bad panic attack yesterday after work. I had this impending doom fear, that something really bad was going to happen. When I got to the club house, not long after I arrived, a new woman with only 17 days walked in needing a sponsor and help. Again, I have a sponsee. It seems that God keeps bringing me people when I need it the most.

Not to mention that this week I fired my sponsor because she was being emotionally abusive. That was hard to manage as well. But I did get a new sponsor who I have connected with well over the past 6 months and I am excited to start working with her tomorrow.

Others go out so that you don’t have to

One of the biggest trends I have noticed recently is the people in AA who do not follow the program fully, and go back out from alcohol or drugs. Sometimes, I’ve been surprised — at other times, I’ve been waiting for it to happen.

In a non-judgmental away there is truth and a lesson in their decisions. While it sucks to see people you love go back out, there is that immediate reaction of “Oh, SHIT!” but then it sinks in that ‘oh, that could have been me.’

By watching these unfortunate individuals, including my young sponsee, and I see them go in and out. Something that I had learned — I got sick of the ins and outs. I hope that my little one can learn from this. I truly pray for her. And anyone reading this, please take a second to pray for her. Regarding the lesson — these individuals, as much as it sucks, go out of the rooms and pick up again so that we don’t have to.

Nothing in AA says that relapse is mandatory and nothing in AA says that you have to drink again and again to be able to come back. I know that feeling of impending doom that strikes the minute that taste kicks in, the truth that there may not be coming back from a relapse.

Fear is self-reliance – Not relying on God

Fear is a gripping emotion that can paralyze you from head to toe. I’ve been very fearful lately to the extent of tears, feeling out of control and like doom will strike me at any moment. Recently I was hit with the news of my financial struggles. Being an independent 23-year-old journalist in treatment, living alone, and continuously working to stay well, I’ve had many financial bumps. Now, I am working to recover from that, since getting my dental work that costed me a large amount of money I don’t have.

Again, I was faced with the reality of how much I am loved. God provides.

While I am in the process of maintaining my debt and working to level it out, a handful of members from AA have taken initiative to help me with groceries, provide a car when mine dies (which will be soon because it’s a piece of shit car now), and just offering me anything I need while I try to get my head above water.

There’s no other explanation except for God working through his people to help take care of me. The only thing I struggle with, regarding this, is the embarrassment of needing help like this. I don’t care about money but I don’t want to be barely hanging on. I want to be independent and standing on my own two feet. It’s a little embarrassing feeling like I need the extra help because I want to take care of myself.

However, God provides and perhaps this is his way of helping me and reassuring me that I will be okay…

Memorial Day Weekend — Remembering tough times

Memorial Day has come and gone and I have learned a heavy amount of insight between the weekend and the actual day that is one I would rather forget.

While this may be a long blog post, I believe I must continue to document my life story — good or bad. One of the biggest things I must relay is that no one can truly recover from any trauma without love.

Memorial Day weekend, and into the actual day, is one of the only days of the year that I’d like to avoid. Four years ago, to date, was marked as the day I was changed forever. When I was 19 years old, I was violated and traumatized by something I would not learn to comprehend or understand until the past couple years. I was sexually assaulted by a customer at a store that I worked at for more than two years.

In brief description, this was a man that I knew and had crossed my boundary lines, broke my trust, and caused my heart and mind to fracture. For the past several years, I have been diligently working to recovery from alcoholism, drug addiction, self harm, anorexia, and bulimia.

With the trust of my therapist for the first two years of talking about this, I had learned to name it for what it was. Since, I have been stripped of a self-destructive behavior every year, making the actual date more and more difficult to manage.

This year, I was faced with the trauma sober, clean, and self-harm/purge free. That is some seriously scary shit.

However, the hope in this post is that I was able to move through the weekend with support and love from those around me.

For the first time this year, my mom was filled in on the truth of what happened — the full story. She not only validated my experience but shared some things from her life and encouraged me through remembering that through God, bad things bring good things.

That’s a hard truth to trust, but there is no other option, is there?

Beginning that weekend, my mom and a large amount of the women from her church gathered to share encouragement and experience. Not only that, I had women from AA who knew of this date and texted me throughout the weekend offering an ear and a shoulder.

Saturday night was one of the worst throughout the weekend, for I was hit with a frozen numbness that completely took over. I had spent the day down in the town that this all happened and coming back from that I could only stay as strong as possible. I spent the remainder of the day obsessively cleaning my house and would not leave until I was finished. I had some people from AA calling me to get me out but I refused to leave until I was done.

Finally finishing my cleaning, I ventured to the AA club house and simply sat on a chair, under a blanket, quiet. I had no words and I had no motivation. I literally just sat for an hour. Then my new sponsee came up and we did some step work. After, I went home, went to sleep.

I managed to make sure I was awake in time for church, and it felt so great to be back. For me, connecting to my spirituality and God is key and important, and church helps me do that. It was a great morning, filled with lunch and fellowship.

Throughout the evening, I was struck with another panic attack due to some financial issues (which I will write about in my next post) and then went to my sponsor’s Big Book meeting. The topic — fear. Now, I’m pretty positive that my higher power — GOD — had bigger plans. The meeting was really beneficial and I connected with the concept that fear is a blockage that keeps God out — it’s self-reliance not relying on God and faith is courage.

That evening, I managed to get my laundry done and I stayed over one of my best friend’s house and we baked cookies and brownies for the AA Memorial Day BBQ.

That morning, we picked up my little sponsee and drove to the BBQ and it was a lot of fun. But then, a girl can only handle so much. After doing everything I could, I finally went home for the night after running my Monday night meeting and shit hit the fan.

My anxiety was the worse it had been all weekend. Suddenly I was overcome by this extreme terror and fear, anxiety, and no matter what skills I used, how much I prayed, it would not ease. I finally fell asleep and since my anxiety has been very edgy. But I’m working on it the best I can.

The support I received this year from family to my church family, to my AA family was remarkable and their love is the only way I survived this year without hurting myself in any way.

Exposed: My Story (Update)

Eating. Drinking. Smoking. Snorting. Weighing. Hurting. Burning. Cutting. Starving.
Purging. Praying. Stripping. Weighing. Binging. Dying.

These are words are verbs, actions. These words are not who I am, but things I have done. These things don’t make up a person or even describe a person. They are things that people DO. Why? (Read more…)