Hang on little fighter, life is bound to get brighter

It’s been quite a trial attempting to navigate through life, recovery, and christianity. I throw in christianity, because that is a huge part of my sobriety, and life. Without my faith, I’m nothing. Being sober is a gift, but it does not mean that there are not situations I’m forced to deal with staying sober.

Trauma is one of the most difficult things to mentally grasp. It’s like this shadow that hides and pounces when you least expect it. As a journalist, I’ve been in many different intense situations, sometimes scary, other times boring. But last week, I endured probably the most ground-shaking experience to date. I was covering a town meeting — typical night, introduction of the budget, swearing in of a new chief — when suddenly, I am being evacuated into a safe hall due to a “gun situation.” First I am shaking, then I’m hyperventilating. Before I know it, I pass out and I’m taken to the emergency room. While I don’t remember feeling anything; not even fear, my life has been shaken and I’m completely scared all the time.

People have stepped up to support me, and that’s wonderful. But I’m not myself. I don’t understand how, but it’s brought out all these feelings I already try to manage on a daily basis about my sexual assault. Regardless, I’m preparing for Take Back the Night, Stand-Speak-Empower in two weeks. I’ll be speaking about consent and taking back your body.

I’m falling behind in classes, constantly late; still managing to get my assignments in and doing well on my exams, but I’m barely hanging on. I keep trying to cling to what I know about God, and that the answer is there. All I have to do is bow my head, pray, open my Bible, read. But I just don’t do it. I know I’m so much stronger when I feel like a warrior, taking on the world with Jesus by my side, but something is getting in the way. Maybe it is exhaustion. I don’t know, honestly.

And my eyes are constantly turned to God because He is the only person who makes no mistakes, no disappointments. People who are near and dear to my heart, who I have continuously back up, loved unconditionally, are slapping me in the face. That’s painful, to only feel needed when someone else is in a crisis or dealing with their own shit. But what about me? Who is going to be there for me, to help me cry through pain, and to deal with all the trauma in my life? I know God is there, but where are all my people? I’m trying not to feel disposable and used, but if I’m 100 percent honest, that’s how my heart feels.

Taking action despite the thoughts, feelings

While I was away on my vacation and reuniting with my roommate from treatment, I had so much laughter, fun and also perhaps a bit of a spiritual awakening.

Probably the biggest fear that I had was bringing home what I had gotten from being away. It’s sometimes easier to do well and move forward in recovery when you are out of your element, and what is normal. It’s easier to break away from such self-destructive behavior and then mold into pro-recovery approach. While I was away, something in my head simply connected. I could prepare and eat three full meals each day while enjoying some snacks and not blow up like my head imagined.

I truly felt decently comfortable in my body and didn’t have too much stress about continually being healthy. Minus a few urges in my head that were instinct like – you can get rid of this – or – just go back to how you were before you left for vacation. Those aren’t my thoughts though, in a sense. They are the way I have been living for years.

When I came back home, I managed to stay motivated, manage meals, eat continuously without restriction, and it was going well. I think it is this moment of a miracle when you choose to be alive and to continuously move forward one choice, one step, one meal at a time.

Now, I find myself falling into a rut today. I feel uncomfortable and full off and on and for some reason, today I’m mentally having a harder day. I’d like to shut off the ED thoughts and voices, but I guess right now I just have to acknowledge they are there and just NOT give into any of them. Is that what recovery is about? Continuing to do the hard thing despite how you feel or think? Despite the feelings and the urges, and the constant thoughts that follow you through the day and not giving up?

I truly didn’t think I would get to this place in my recovery, but God worked a miracle and turned me into a miracle. For that I am grateful. But right now I am scared because I have never, at least any time recently since being away in residential treatment, have I lived through the behavior or health with the simultaneous sick mind. It’s frustrating and exhausting. I guess now is, how do I keep moving forward while everything is still there, crystal clear and loud, screaming in my head?

Life plans

Patience and trust are hard things to do on a frequent basis. It’s really hard when I have my heart set on a job/career for the future. I applied for a job position at a rehab. It’s a recovery coach job position and I want more than anything to get that call offering me the job…

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11

I believe that Bible verse. I’d like to hope that the timing of this position, the opening, location, etc. is all part of God’s plan for me. I decided several months ago that I have a genuine interest in changing career paths. I even talked to my dad about this and he validated that many people don’t end up working in the field they studied.

Right now, i feel like I studied my ass off, prepared myself, worked extremely hard to get to where I wanted to be, and I am now working in the field I studied. So I guess I can say that I came, I saw, I conquered. Now, I want to change that.

I want to work in some sort of rehab or even doing something that gives back or helps other women. I even decided that at some point, I would love to have a chance to go back to school or something and get a degree in something else. I don’t want to be a therapist or anything, but I’d love to be a drug and alcohol addiction counselor, or even just working somewhere helping.

So, I applied for that job yesterday, and now I play the waiting game. And try and practice hope, patience and trust that if this is God’s plan it will happen, and if it’s not then maybe something else will come up for me.

Either way, I feel stuck and again, I repeat that I know where I want to go and where I want to be but don’t see a way there. It’s like a black tunnel and no matter how far I run, I cannot seem to find any light.

While I love writing, I absolutely love writing, I feel like I’ve had enough time, at least for now in this field. I would love to just know that I did it. I tackled journalism and I did it. That’s fact. But now I want to do more. I want to completely change the direction in my life and I don’t think I know how. It will be very disappointing if I get turned down for this job… and then I’ll have to find a way to pick my feet back up and find something else.. but the disappointment is always heavier the more I want something.

One day, one second, one breath at a time

This weekend I really needed to bring myself to awareness that I truly need to refocus on making it through today and now, not worrying about tomorrow. As cliche as it sounds, I need to live in today because tomorrow will take care of itself. Or at least that is my hope.

So what do I do now? I pray and I reach out. I know that God is doing things in my life and I do know that God is changing my life and my direction. The hardest part right now is patience and trust and hope. Mostly patience and extreme perseverance.

I know, I think, where I want to move. My lease ends in August and in the mean time I need to start putting my steps in place, getting everything situated over time so that when August comes I have a job and living place set up.

It’s going to be stressful, and really test me… but I know where my new start needs to be and I’ll need to do everything I can to get to where I need to be. I’ll need a lot of support to continue working my current job and get through for the next five months while I take the steps I need.

Courage.

I feel like I have been forced to grow up a lot this past year. I’d like to say the past two years, but most accurately, I had no choice but to grow up, fast. When I was 19, I felt like I had to grow up too fast. I experienced things that typically, girls learn and experience in a paced manner, in different stages in their lives. But me? I experienced my first “real” kiss, which was a drunk kiss, my first “sexual” behaviors, my first drunk experience, my first time getting high, the first time I cut.

Then, this past year, I was forced to become an adult instantly. Within the year I had to move out, graduate, get a job, get another job, move out again, live alone, take care of myself, establish some sort of community, get well, recover, deal head on with trauma, relive that trauma, get clean from drugs, deal with the aftermath of a one-night strip show, get sober, maintain cutting and burning urges, work on my eating disorder, get control of relapses, take care of my car, start learning that I have a voice as a weapon. All of these things happened too fast.

Now; I am sober. I have stayed sober. I am dealing with my “trauma” and trying to understand sexuality overall. I am attempting to find a job, hopefully, that will allow me to feel safe and content, happy, and free and to focus on the future and try to figure out where I want to plant myself for a longer time. I am trying to get stable in life. I’m left winded,it’s fucking scary, but I am not giving up… I am growing up.

Let your faith be bigger than your fears:

Sharing the burden

My head is a minefield right now. Things that I have done wrong; ways that I have been wronged… It’s like going to the deepest and darkest, nitty gritty places mentally and emotionally, and I am about to be stripped down, raw and naked; exposed with all of my faults and mistakes. The biggest fear is when you take that faith; that leap that sharing them with theright person and knowing, through faith, that they will not turn their back on you out of disgust. The biggest leap of faith is trusting that they will catch you when you open the flood gates.

Me? I am fucking scared shitless.

 

Lightweight

I’m a lightweight
Better be careful what you say
With every word I’m blown away
You’re in control of my heart
I’m a lightweight
Easy to fall, easy to break
With every move my whole world shakes
Keep me from falling apart

Make a promise, please
You’ll always be in reach
Just in case I need
You’re there when I call
This is all so new
Seems too good to be true
Could this really be
A safe place to fall