Transition and PTSD

I still struggle with the concept of post traumatic stress disorder. In fact, often times, I don’t believe I have it. I just think I am high-strung and overly emotional or sensitive to situations. But according to my treatment facility (post discharge) I am diagnosed with PTSD (not to mention that my therapist who I have been seeing for more than two years diagnosed me with that a year ago (about-I don’t really know). So I guess technically I have PTSD. Give my background, I have a difficult time accepting that I was sexually assaulted. I often don’t think I was. Or I block it out and try and forget about it. But if I was sexually assaulted, then I guess that makes sense that I have PTSD.

Oh, upon my other diagnosis upon discharge, I learned that I have panic disorder (I didn’t know that one) and anxiety disorder (knew that one) and major depression (didn’t know that-I thought I just got really sad sometimes). Oh, and anorexia nervosa, but we knew that because I have this blog.

I wasn’t really sure where I was getting at with this post. Perhaps I just needed to start posting again because I started this blog to anonymously share my journey of progress, relapse, and recovery (or as they say in AA: experience, strength and hope). Yeah, the AA statement sounds much more flowery.

Since being home from treatment, I have been staying with a kind family. They have blessed me with a home until I get back on my feet. That’s gonna take forever (I almost feel guilty. No, not almost, I do. A lot of guilt) but the Lord blessed me with a second family, whom I love dearly. From there, I am back to working full time, and also part-time at the bookstore. I like it. It’s nice, but something just isn’t connecting well with me.

I feel lost. My bulimic tendencies have been under control for more than two months now. Hooray for purge-free life that I never thought was attainable. However, I’m not gonna lie, the urges to come sometimes, very intensely, but I reach out and get through them. I would like to hope that I am in a place where I can say good-bye to purging. My starving however; I am eating, which is amazing. And I have maintained the same weight since I have been home from treatment. I do still drink one 2-cal a day plus I eat three times a day plus snacks. Only thing is, I eat the same things everyday or a similar variation: waffles, sandwiches and cereal.

Maybe I strayed a little but I feel okay. Healthy. Stable. Something I haven’t felt for four years. The only problem I have now is that aside from all the other life-situations that are here from when I left and obviously, they don’t go away by a geographical trip.

I do take my nighttime medication–which puts me in a sleep coma, but I fight it. Because I don’t like to close my eyes. I don’t like to be in the dark with closed eyes. I don’t like not being able to see or know what is happening around me. I do eventually pass out, but I fight it. I have very bad panic attacks and flashbacks and I find myself getting afraid and having physical reactions to memories (okay, I am stubborn, perhaps it is PTSD). But I just get to a point where I have doubts. What if I cannot get through it and get to a point where I truly stop blacking out, dissociating or losing time. It scares me that I may never live a normal and happy life, so I need some reassurance. Probably from myself but I am simply lost, wandering, confused.

I am tired and I rub my eyes; trying to fight the night. It consumes me.