Transition and PTSD

I still struggle with the concept of post traumatic stress disorder. In fact, often times, I don’t believe I have it. I just think I am high-strung and overly emotional or sensitive to situations. But according to my treatment facility (post discharge) I am diagnosed with PTSD (not to mention that my therapist who I have been seeing for more than two years diagnosed me with that a year ago (about-I don’t really know). So I guess technically I have PTSD. Give my background, I have a difficult time accepting that I was sexually assaulted. I often don’t think I was. Or I block it out and try and forget about it. But if I was sexually assaulted, then I guess that makes sense that I have PTSD.

Oh, upon my other diagnosis upon discharge, I learned that I have panic disorder (I didn’t know that one) and anxiety disorder (knew that one) and major depression (didn’t know that-I thought I just got really sad sometimes). Oh, and anorexia nervosa, but we knew that because I have this blog.

I wasn’t really sure where I was getting at with this post. Perhaps I just needed to start posting again because I started this blog to anonymously share my journey of progress, relapse, and recovery (or as they say in AA: experience, strength and hope). Yeah, the AA statement sounds much more flowery.

Since being home from treatment, I have been staying with a kind family. They have blessed me with a home until I get back on my feet. That’s gonna take forever (I almost feel guilty. No, not almost, I do. A lot of guilt) but the Lord blessed me with a second family, whom I love dearly. From there, I am back to working full time, and also part-time at the bookstore. I like it. It’s nice, but something just isn’t connecting well with me.

I feel lost. My bulimic tendencies have been under control for more than two months now. Hooray for purge-free life that I never thought was attainable. However, I’m not gonna lie, the urges to come sometimes, very intensely, but I reach out and get through them. I would like to hope that I am in a place where I can say good-bye to purging. My starving however; I am eating, which is amazing. And I have maintained the same weight since I have been home from treatment. I do still drink one 2-cal a day plus I eat three times a day plus snacks. Only thing is, I eat the same things everyday or a similar variation: waffles, sandwiches and cereal.

Maybe I strayed a little but I feel okay. Healthy. Stable. Something I haven’t felt for four years. The only problem I have now is that aside from all the other life-situations that are here from when I left and obviously, they don’t go away by a geographical trip.

I do take my nighttime medication–which puts me in a sleep coma, but I fight it. Because I don’t like to close my eyes. I don’t like to be in the dark with closed eyes. I don’t like not being able to see or know what is happening around me. I do eventually pass out, but I fight it. I have very bad panic attacks and flashbacks and I find myself getting afraid and having physical reactions to memories (okay, I am stubborn, perhaps it is PTSD). But I just get to a point where I have doubts. What if I cannot get through it and get to a point where I truly stop blacking out, dissociating or losing time. It scares me that I may never live a normal and happy life, so I need some reassurance. Probably from myself but I am simply lost, wandering, confused.

I am tired and I rub my eyes; trying to fight the night. It consumes me.

What. A. Night.

After yesterday’s session, I was forced to come to an acceptance that not only do I struggle with eating disorder behavior, but that I have an eating disorder. I could say that because I consumed food today, that I don’t have anorexia or bulimia. I could also say that because I haven’t thrown up today, i don’t have bulimia or anorexia. And honestly, it genuinely feels that way. Having a day that consists of consuming food, keeping the food down, mindlessly nibbling, snacking or whatever you want to call it is almost worse than having a day of full restriction or binges and purges.

The only reason I say this is because on days like today, I feel like I don’t have a problem. But, after last night, it would makes sense that I’ve blocked out that possibility today.

After session yesterday, and engaging in ED behavior, I was swarmed with an overwhelming amount of emotion. I felt the reality really sink in that I once again, was more than struggling. I then felt fear of losing my battle with this eating disorder. I want to be free of it, mentally, emotionally and physically and when the ED has such a hold on me, it’s difficult to recover.

Last night I got home from work and was overcome with a physical need to binge and purge. It was not an emotional need, that I believe, at all but merely the withdraw of the eating disorder. I don’t remember the last time I physically felt like I was withdrawing from the purge earlier that day and the need to eat food, lots of it. I cried for an hour, went online to an AA chat room, talked about my struggles, reached out for the first time in the past four weeks to fight the urge, cried more and then found my self standing in the kitchen crying.

I was fighting so hard but I physically could not get away from the withdraw. I collapsed on my kitchen floor for about 15 minutes, crying, just laying there in desperation to engage in ED. It was painful and physically difficult to fight, even with the support. After three hours of holding out, fighting, trying to get through the urge, I gave in and then I went to sleep.

When I woke up this morning I was discouraged, but also motivated to try whatever I could do to make myself eat for I had thoughts last night of starving, and fully not eating for the next several days. I wanted to be empty… and it was as if the anorexic mind was fighting to take back control of the bulimic mind.

With the risk of sounding crazy, I sure as hell felt crazy. But today I reached out to several women in my eating disorder recovery circle to help me stay accountable to eating and keeping it today. I have hopes that going one day without purging will help me to break the cycle. The only thing is, I have the restrictive mind completely lurking, waiting for the bulimia to take a hiatus.

I have not given up, and I won’t because I want to survive this. It just really sucks struggling back in the middle of relapse.

Control

The cut is deep, but never deep enough for me
It doesn’t hurt enough to make me forget
One moment of relief is never long enough to keep the voices in my head from stealing my peace.
Oh, control it’s time, time to let you go.

Perfection has a price but I cannot afford to live that life.
It always ends the same; a fight I never win. Oh, control it’s time, time to let you go

I’m letting go of the illusion, I’m letting go of the confusion
I can’t carry it another step, I close my eyes and take a breath, I’m letting go, letting go

There were scars before my scars, love written on the hands that hung the stars
Hope living in the blood that was spilled for me.

Oh, control it’s time, time to let you go…
Control it’s time, time to let you go

Hungry for living

Surprisingly, even with a day engaged in my eating disorder, last night I had some of the most fun I have had in ages. What started out, obviously with a rough eating day, and even though I did not do so well with my dinner.

When I was at work tonight, everyone was just goofing around all day. I spent most of my shift not working, ha ha, and messing around with my friend and a group of boys at the store. We joked a lot and I laughed a hell of a lot. I don’t remember the last time I laughed so much in that amount of time.  I am so grateful for last night. Because I was able to just let go of my behavior, even though I did feel bad about it.

However, something new for me was when I was bowling with my friend, I was feeling faint, and when I went to the bathroom, I noticed that I looked pale. I felt really sad… just because of what I had done to myself and the abuse on my body. Then I started thinking about how long I have abused myself like that. It made me so, so sad. It was one of the first time I felt a sadness for myself and the harm I have thrown myself in front of.

I realized driving home that living a day back in ED was so not worth it. Obviously, it’s hard to control it at times, and it happened, but it reminded me of why I am fighting all of this. Because tonight when I was bowling with my friends, I spent so much time laughing and flirting with everyone and just being stupid and silly and just really being a kid.

I felt like a teenager last night, but in a healthy way, sober. There was alcohol around at different points of the day and I felt the urge but I really wanted to make it to a month of sobriety. As of yesterday, I have three weeks of sobriety. Next week, I’ll hit a month.

So, last night, we were just running around, bowling like weirdos, backwards, forwards, dancing, falling, I event almost went down the lane at one point with the bowling ball! I just laughed so hard!! And I felt alive and realized, “OH, This is what I am battling for.”

I knew I would eat when I got home and I did. Even on a bad day without purging or binging or starving, it feels so much better than a day like today using starving and purging. I regretted it and it just wasn’t worth it.

Again, I know it was hard to control anyway, and that’s the case and it will be the case… but it just was a good reminder for me to see what is waiting for me on the other side of all of this. I have such a group of friends. And even a new friend to my weekend group, came to visit me since there was no group and we talked about our struggles etc. And she gave me a gift and a card thanking me for the support I’ve been even in just the matter of a week.

I know that I want to help people…and I will. I am applying for this new job as a step toward what I want. I know, it’s clear, where I want to go with this job wise. I also know that when I think, dear God, I don’t want it to be Monday because I don’t want to go back to the Newsroom, I know what my choice is. Hopefully, things go well, if not, I’ll be patient and keep trying.