And I have an announcement

I know I have been out of touch lately, my dear followers. As always, life happens. But, in honor of some exciting news; I’m back and ready to blog. I will most likely make some changes to my site over the next few days. For those of you who have followed me since the creation of this blog three years ago, I’ve been pretty anonymous about who I am; with the exception of my first name. Once I make this super thrilling announcement, most of my anonymity will be gone. So, I’m going to try and embrace that; and shatter stigma of my journey. Most likely, I will be creating a second blog page with who I am; my happenings and my life. I’ll still keep this blog active; for we all need a place to vent, rant, and express ourselves without judgment. So those of you who have been avid readers, please stay tuned for some updates and follow my new blog as it develops.

Now; for the great news — I’ve officially jumped on board with the creation of a non-profit organization with the mission of breaking stigma of mental illness. As a director and the vice president, I excited to share that a new non-profit organization is blossoming. Everything happened super quick; and that’s okay. I am running with it. The organization is comprised of women who have either experience their own battle with mental illness; from alcoholism and drug addiction to eating disorders and depression, or have been on the battle field as a loved one.

Talking Saves Lives is in its infant stages, but we are eager to watch it grow. Please take a few minutes to visit the main page here.

Also; follow us on Twitter: @talksaveslives or Facebook: facebook.com/talksaveslives.

Exposed: My Story (Update Nov. 19, 2014)

Eating. Drinking. Smoking. Snorting. Weighing. Hurting. Burning. Cutting. Starving.
Purging. Praying. Stripping. Weighing. Binging. Dying.

These are words are verbs, actions. These words are not who I am, but things I have done. These things don’t make up a person or even describe a person. They are things that people DO. Why? For myself it is how I survived in the world starting in my very late teen years. These things were my way of living, dying, punishing, forgetting, numbing, functioning and coping. These are my sanctuary, my safety and at the same time, a double-edged sword that was jabbing away at my soul, my spirit and my life. (Read full story)

Return

I know this blog has been lacking with posts and updates or anything else from my jar’s collection of loose screws. However, I’m back. I stayed inpatient for 30 days and then continued on to another three weeks of full day program. There was a lot of growth, recovery, pain, setbacks, and support. I don’t want to get into too much detail right now about where I am at with ED. But I promise I will. I will share chapters of my life from the last six months.

Thank you dedicated readers and friends.

I hope all is well.
Love always,

Brittany

21 Months Later

It’s been a very busy several months and unfortunately, I have strayed from continuing to document my progress on this road to recovery. There are so many places I could start but it seems easiest to back-track from where I am today. I’ve now been sober more than 21 months, a miracle I never saw happening. I may have forgotten how much of an alcoholic I was (still am) almost two years in. However, it is something I no longer have the freedom to choose. I cannot and will not ever be able to drink safely. And that isn’t a death sentence. Sure, it is really difficult trying to keep my brain and cravings that come up occasionally under control. It’s very difficult being a 24-year-old in this world. Everyone seems to be so focused on the next high, the next party, or the next lay. It appears that in this generation, it has become an every-day behavior to just have sex, shoot up, snort, and get plastered drunk. While I may not understand the joy in partying, I understand the pain and turmoil that was constantly a party host.

Of course, I’m human and a young adult woman, so it’s only normal to sometimes forget the truth in what goes on in parties or social gatherings today, but the thing that always needs to be on the front burner of my brain is that no good comes out of it, at least for me. I’m truly blessed that God did not allow any more destruction to happen in my life than what has and today it’s a process of acceptance. Am I able to genuinely say, ‘hey, yeah, that happened, but it’s not who I am, and God promises everything happens for the good of his people.”

Romans 8:28 – And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, who have been called according to his purpose.

Those are some encouraging words, but not necessarily the easiest to apply in times of trial or struggle. But, I am trying. I’ve managed to lose a couple sponsees, but also gain another who has hit a very deep bottom. I hope that God gives her the strength and calls her back to Him so that she may get her life back. I’m blessed to have this opportunity and if I was not sober, or even passionate about helping others, I wouldn’t be in this situation – and for that I am grateful.

So as far as my sobriety recovery goes, I’ve come to attempt to practice the reality that while yes, I am an alcoholic, that is not my identity. A wise man shared with me a few weeks ago that I no longer need to use that as my title, regardless of if I am in a meeting or not. The truth is, as said by this wise man, that my name is Brittany, and I was lost and dying as an alcoholic and drug addict, but I am in recovery and walking with God as a new creation.

 

Nook

One of the old behaviors I had when I was really sick at 19-years-old was to create my own special “spot.” Or a place of hibernation where I would camp out and shut out the rest of the world. Due to my compulsive behaviors, I quickly became glued and ritualistic — safe. No one touched the blankets piled up or the pillows walling me into myself. I was untouchable, in a cave no light could find me.

I’d surround myself with books; piles and piles of them. I’d lose myself, my identity and morph into the very characters I read about. I became them, and they became me, our lives intertwined. We were each other. I had a lamp, in the corner of the floor and I lost myself in other stories that were pieces of my own.

That was when I was really sick, to where my parents were helpless and so was I. The strange thing is, I have tendencies to repeat this behavior when I am deeply struggling emotionally. When I lived in my old apartment in a run down city, I pulled the mattress off the bed, into the living room that morphed into the kitchen. It was a tiny apartment so every room was connected with a door shutting off my bedroom and a door closing out the bathroom. Covered in blankets I slept away from my bedroom, creating my own isolated home within my home.

Now, in my newer home, the home that I’ve built since coming home from treatment last summer (and yeah, it’s been almost a full year since I left), I find myself, once again in this self-protecting behavior, wrapped in blankets, sweating from heat, but no poking any part of my body with the exception of my toes. I’ve read three books in the matter of a week or so, and I can’t stop. Reading about fictional characters that are described so well, that I once again blur my realities, my identities, to simply feel like I belong, like I’m understood and not crazy. The only thing is that I’m the only one who sees myself getting wrapped up in worlds so similar to mine.

I guess it’s safe to say that my apartment has become a complete disaster and I’m left, camping out in my “nook” — a corner in the living room in a recliner that fully pulls out, sometimes waking up with a stiff neck. I’ve begun to lose myself in characters, fiction, but not.

Now I have to get out.

Sponsorship

It’s been a real trying couple days. In addition to the loss of my little hammy, I had to manage a crisis with my young sponsee — the 15-year-old. It’s sad but she simply just stopped doing the things that help keep us alcoholics sober. I was at a meeting and she showed up high out of her mind. While it was sad to watch, I knew that she just was not ready to let go of drugs.

Yesterday, I finally said to her, “What are you doing? What do you want to do?” She responded that she wasn’t going to drink or do “drugs” anymore, but she was not ready to give up pot. I simply told her that I can’t help her if she is going to continually get high. It really sucked having to let her go. Basically, I said that I would be here, will always be here, and that when she hits her bottom and is ready to get sober, I will more than willingly help her. I want to help her now, but I can’t get sober for her. It’s hard to see someone you want so badly to get this, and they simply cannot. At least I planted the seed, so I am told.

But, I just pray her bottom is not as bad as mine was. The funny thing is though, that my life is just ah-ha. God clearly is the driver of my life. I was having a really bad panic attack yesterday after work. I had this impending doom fear, that something really bad was going to happen. When I got to the club house, not long after I arrived, a new woman with only 17 days walked in needing a sponsor and help. Again, I have a sponsee. It seems that God keeps bringing me people when I need it the most.

Not to mention that this week I fired my sponsor because she was being emotionally abusive. That was hard to manage as well. But I did get a new sponsor who I have connected with well over the past 6 months and I am excited to start working with her tomorrow.

When the sponsee goes back out

As I had mentioned in an earlier entry, I have been sponsoring a young girl. The interesting thing about being a sponsor is the fact that I truly can tell when certain things are happening. My little one, the fifteen year old, relapsed the other day. Well — I knew this. But I needed her to tell me and she did. Because she is so young, I am not surprised. But also, I promised her that I did the same thing when I first came in, and that I know how she felt. I also told her that I was not quitting on her.

She said she was so sorry, and I replied with what people told me — be sorry to yourself. She only stands in her own way. While it does suck, it hurts too, I cannot get HER sober. The hopeful thing is that she said she’s ready now. Truly ready. I hope this is true. It’s just hard to see. Again, I knew it was coming but it was still a downer.

I can only hope that she trusts me and that she will fully do what I suggest. I know why she picked up again — she didn’t do 100 percent of all the suggestions that I made to her. And that’s okay. She’s back in a meeting tonight and said she’s processing a lot.

I also promised her that I won’t give up on her, because no one every gave up on me.

Part of the gig of sponsoring I guess. But I have faith in her. I still do and will.

Memorial Day Weekend — Remembering tough times

Memorial Day has come and gone and I have learned a heavy amount of insight between the weekend and the actual day that is one I would rather forget.

While this may be a long blog post, I believe I must continue to document my life story — good or bad. One of the biggest things I must relay is that no one can truly recover from any trauma without love.

Memorial Day weekend, and into the actual day, is one of the only days of the year that I’d like to avoid. Four years ago, to date, was marked as the day I was changed forever. When I was 19 years old, I was violated and traumatized by something I would not learn to comprehend or understand until the past couple years. I was sexually assaulted by a customer at a store that I worked at for more than two years.

In brief description, this was a man that I knew and had crossed my boundary lines, broke my trust, and caused my heart and mind to fracture. For the past several years, I have been diligently working to recovery from alcoholism, drug addiction, self harm, anorexia, and bulimia.

With the trust of my therapist for the first two years of talking about this, I had learned to name it for what it was. Since, I have been stripped of a self-destructive behavior every year, making the actual date more and more difficult to manage.

This year, I was faced with the trauma sober, clean, and self-harm/purge free. That is some seriously scary shit.

However, the hope in this post is that I was able to move through the weekend with support and love from those around me.

For the first time this year, my mom was filled in on the truth of what happened — the full story. She not only validated my experience but shared some things from her life and encouraged me through remembering that through God, bad things bring good things.

That’s a hard truth to trust, but there is no other option, is there?

Beginning that weekend, my mom and a large amount of the women from her church gathered to share encouragement and experience. Not only that, I had women from AA who knew of this date and texted me throughout the weekend offering an ear and a shoulder.

Saturday night was one of the worst throughout the weekend, for I was hit with a frozen numbness that completely took over. I had spent the day down in the town that this all happened and coming back from that I could only stay as strong as possible. I spent the remainder of the day obsessively cleaning my house and would not leave until I was finished. I had some people from AA calling me to get me out but I refused to leave until I was done.

Finally finishing my cleaning, I ventured to the AA club house and simply sat on a chair, under a blanket, quiet. I had no words and I had no motivation. I literally just sat for an hour. Then my new sponsee came up and we did some step work. After, I went home, went to sleep.

I managed to make sure I was awake in time for church, and it felt so great to be back. For me, connecting to my spirituality and God is key and important, and church helps me do that. It was a great morning, filled with lunch and fellowship.

Throughout the evening, I was struck with another panic attack due to some financial issues (which I will write about in my next post) and then went to my sponsor’s Big Book meeting. The topic — fear. Now, I’m pretty positive that my higher power — GOD — had bigger plans. The meeting was really beneficial and I connected with the concept that fear is a blockage that keeps God out — it’s self-reliance not relying on God and faith is courage.

That evening, I managed to get my laundry done and I stayed over one of my best friend’s house and we baked cookies and brownies for the AA Memorial Day BBQ.

That morning, we picked up my little sponsee and drove to the BBQ and it was a lot of fun. But then, a girl can only handle so much. After doing everything I could, I finally went home for the night after running my Monday night meeting and shit hit the fan.

My anxiety was the worse it had been all weekend. Suddenly I was overcome by this extreme terror and fear, anxiety, and no matter what skills I used, how much I prayed, it would not ease. I finally fell asleep and since my anxiety has been very edgy. But I’m working on it the best I can.

The support I received this year from family to my church family, to my AA family was remarkable and their love is the only way I survived this year without hurting myself in any way.

Exposed: My Story (Update)

Eating. Drinking. Smoking. Snorting. Weighing. Hurting. Burning. Cutting. Starving.
Purging. Praying. Stripping. Weighing. Binging. Dying.

These are words are verbs, actions. These words are not who I am, but things I have done. These things don’t make up a person or even describe a person. They are things that people DO. Why? (Read more…)

Acceptance for young alcoholics and marijuana

Through my new sponsorship with a newcomer, a 15-year-old girl as I mentioned in a previous post, I am now faced with my first challenge.

While she is very young she has come to accept that she cannot and must not drink alcohol — that she is definitely done, with her bottom.

Recently, specifically today, she was talking to me about how she isn’t at that place with smoking weed. While I could reinforce with her it is all about acceptance, addiction, mind altering drugs – I know that all I could do is tell her to pray for the obsession to be lifted and to keep on with step one. However, I also reached out to some young women I know who had that same issue and had to get to a level of acceptance.

I know, genuinely, that it’s in her hands and as her sponsor I told her if she choses to pick up, she will be back to step one. I also know that I could only talk to her as honestly as I could. I also shared some Big Book readings with her, and had someone give her a call.

I really love how honest she is with me. She’s a trooper. I just pray for her and that she can understand there is a solution now.

Basically, aside from what I’ve learned in my sobriety and what I can tell her — she may just not be at her bottom. Has anyone had experience with this? What are some other things I am not thinking about that could be beneficial to share with her, have her read or suggest other than what I have done already?