And I have an announcement

I know I have been out of touch lately, my dear followers. As always, life happens. But, in honor of some exciting news; I’m back and ready to blog. I will most likely make some changes to my site over the next few days. For those of you who have followed me since the creation of this blog three years ago, I’ve been pretty anonymous about who I am; with the exception of my first name. Once I make this super thrilling announcement, most of my anonymity will be gone. So, I’m going to try and embrace that; and shatter stigma of my journey. Most likely, I will be creating a second blog page with who I am; my happenings and my life. I’ll still keep this blog active; for we all need a place to vent, rant, and express ourselves without judgment. So those of you who have been avid readers, please stay tuned for some updates and follow my new blog as it develops.

Now; for the great news — I’ve officially jumped on board with the creation of a non-profit organization with the mission of breaking stigma of mental illness. As a director and the vice president, I excited to share that a new non-profit organization is blossoming. Everything happened super quick; and that’s okay. I am running with it. The organization is comprised of women who have either experience their own battle with mental illness; from alcoholism and drug addiction to eating disorders and depression, or have been on the battle field as a loved one.

Talking Saves Lives is in its infant stages, but we are eager to watch it grow. Please take a few minutes to visit the main page here.

Also; follow us on Twitter: @talksaveslives or Facebook: facebook.com/talksaveslives.

Lena Dunham on why she spoke out on her sexual assault

With so much hype on the publicized sexual assault allegations, and my recent opinions I’ve posted about how being brave and speaking is backfiring on women lately — not because of the claims, but all of the unrelated judgements made on these women.

I was browsing Buzzfeed and came across a post on Lena Dunham, why she spoke out and how she’s been attacked over it. Read below:

Speaking out was never about exposing the man who assaulted me. Rather, it was about exposing my shame, letting it dry out in the sun. I did not wish to be contacted by him or to open a criminal investigation. I am in a loving and peaceful place in my life and I am not willing to sacrifice any more of it for this person I do not know, aside from one night I will never forget. That is my choice… (Full Buzzfeed article here)

http://www.buzzfeed.com/lenadunham/lena-dunham-why-i-chose-to-speak-out

It’s time for another ‘Seriously?!’

Welcome to another episode of “Seriously?”

Not too long ago, I wrote a post about all of the nonsense surrounding the allegations toward a certain comedian (hint — he’s known for his jello). The actual incident is not the nonsense I am referring to, but specific to how people are reacting to the plaintiff, specifically with victim-blaming.

Once again, I am not saying that one thing is true or not true, I am simply commenting on the reaction that is most recent from the media. And as a disclaimer, I do personally, work in the media field, but I am separating myself from my work, and opinion.

I’ll keep this brief. I just heard on the news that this comedian is saying he was wrong to be named and should have remained a John Doe until a court decided whether or not to have a trial. I’m not dissing the laws in California, which basically states that if someone comes forward, then the accusations remain with a pseudo name until it moves on legally.

OK, so here is my beef — I understand the law, and I am not saying it’s wrong or right, but seriously?? This comedian is now complaining, not that there are allegations against him, but the fact that his name was used, thus putting the blame back on the plaintiff.

All I’m gonna say is — seriously? Once again, when the media handles this coverage and the public is responding, it all comes back down to “slut shaming” or victim blaming. Seriously — can we not?!

—

When I never was a person

Mirrors didn’t matter, but neither did my presence
Insanity chased me more when I had to live in silence
Stuck in the spider web, tangled in the  shadows
The black widow came along, and jammed in its teeth
I climbed through a window as the room spun around me
I couldn’t make it to a shower, I could not let anyone see
Hide below the blankets and sob in the quiet
You remember the only thought pounding in your mind
“What did I do? What did I do? What did I do?”
“How will I wake up tomorrow, how will I face him?”
I’ll do it by disappearing, I’ll pull an abracadabra
Before they know it, I’ll be gone and nothing can touch me again
My skin won’t exist, and my body isn’t real
With lips sewn shut, and nonexistent tear ducts
I won’t feel and I will not be, because of your choices imprisoning me
There is no one in here anymore, that girl you used to know
She went away, into the sky, and all that remains is me
I’m not a person, people can make choices and I certainly didn’t
If you want to speak to her, let me know, I speak for her
Because her voice isn’t real, and neither is she
But when you stare hard, into my soul, you can catch a glimpse of a girl
Just a shadow, an outline of her, but then blink, she flies away
I grit my teeth, keep her hidden, because the last time she was a person
She turned into an object and that pain is too much to handle
So again I say, she is not here, you have to go through me to get to her

I hope you find a way

I did not get to be mad and it’s not fair

Sexual assault claims in the media: What we’re doing wrong

There’s no way to shy away from claims that have come out in the media. Janice Dickinson, yes the crazy, self-titled “first supermodel” is alleging that Bill Cosby sexually assaulted her. I am not going to go into details about the actual claims, because that’s not part of the big picture.

Statistics and chart from Canadian’s Women Foundation “Stop Vicim Blaming”

I’m truly sickened by the amount of backlash that has emerged from these allegations, not because I believe one way or another, but because we’re too busy making fun of Dickinson — she had too much plastic surgery, she’s crazy, she’s a drug addict so she doesn’t remember anything anyway, she is just interested in money and fame. These are all comments that have been posted throughout social media, including Buzzfeed, Facebook and Twitter.

Here’s the problem — who gives a fuck?! We are so busy poking and prodding at someone who is sometimes a train wreck, and forgetting the point: sexual assault. There are no excuses to why someone “should” be raped or assaulted. Nor is there any justified reason that Dickinson was “asking for it” or “just in it for the money and fame.”

This is why so many cases of sexual assault go unreported. Let’s be real here — everyone is so busy judging the woman, rather than focusing on the topic and what should be blown out of the water. Why not use this as a way to educate the public, stop victim blaming.

I don’t care if she was drunk or high out of her mind, half naked, or out of her mind. Sexual assault is serious and we are so consumed by making fun of the woman — despite whether the allegations are true. I’m not saying Cosby has done anything — I’m not saying he hasn’t. What I’m saying is why the hell is everyone so busy finding ways to excuse these claims, rather than really delving into what the claims are?

Celebrities are no different than us earth people. We’re all fucked up in some way; but that has nothing to do with anything that could or has happened to us. Back off the woman, and start talking about what really matters!

Facebook comments were retrieved from the public Buzzfeed Facebook Page.

Exposed: My Story (Update Nov. 19, 2014)

Eating. Drinking. Smoking. Snorting. Weighing. Hurting. Burning. Cutting. Starving.
Purging. Praying. Stripping. Weighing. Binging. Dying.

These are words are verbs, actions. These words are not who I am, but things I have done. These things don’t make up a person or even describe a person. They are things that people DO. Why? For myself it is how I survived in the world starting in my very late teen years. These things were my way of living, dying, punishing, forgetting, numbing, functioning and coping. These are my sanctuary, my safety and at the same time, a double-edged sword that was jabbing away at my soul, my spirit and my life. (Read full story)

Do you see this little girl?

Look at this little girl, the silly smile on her face
see her tiny dimples, and sunglasses perfectly in place
She’s only a young toddler, the entire world before of her
But if you knew the road ahead, your heart would become heavier

Do you see this little girl, innocent and small?
Her parents love all of her as they watch her learn to crawl.
She’s only a few years old, but has an old soul
Always laughing and playing, her future still untold

You focus on her smile and the light in her eyes
It’s hard to believe years down the road a darkness will rise
You couldn’t see the shadow, even if you wanted to
Inside this little girl, a disease began to grow

She will be bullied and taunted, pushed and shoved
Her heart will shrink and she’ll feel unloved
Her once loud laughter will shrink down to silence
Her bright smile will fade, and she’ll meet quiet violence

People won’t hear her, so she’ll turn inward with her pain
What used to beam sunshine, only storms inside and rains
Her hope will begin to dwindle as she slowly slips away
But it’s only going to get darker, from glitter to gray

She will find her way to fit in after yearning to be wanted
She takes her first sip of alcohol, takes sobriety for granted
Turning into the life of the party, she’s the center of all the jokes
She just wants to be loved, but people prod and poke

She’ll give up on trust and love by the time she’s nineteen
When a man twice as old as her gets on his knees
Her voice is gone, she can’t make a sound as she sits paralyzed
She turns to stone, gives him his way, and inside breaks and cries

By now she’s lost her faith in God and turns to worship booze
Now an alcoholic, she’s lost her ability to choose
Not long from now, it won’t be enough as she rolls a dollar bill
She’ll snort away her problems, as heroin moves in for the kill

Nothing takes away her despair, her stomach full of guilt
She throws up her food, her shame, the life she could have built
When puking isn’t enough, and starvation is the only way
She turns her brokenness inward, stops eating and fades away

Once a healthy baby girl, she is dying inside and hopeless
No matter how much weight is lost, all she see’s is ugliness
She screams and yells, but no one else can hear
So she runs to the blade and she slices and tears

This little girl, now 21, is hollowed out and empty
This shell of a woman, no where to go, steps on the stage for money
Do you see this dancing girl, a friendless and pained daughter
There’s no way out she’s become her own slaughter

Now rewind time, back inside the playpen, look at the girl there
You wouldn’t know by looking, but you can see me if you stare.
You see, I am this little girl, now grown up and fighting to live
While I can’t protect her, I can try to help her forgive

Nothing could have prepared her for the broken road ahead
But she needs you here, she needs you now, because she’s not yet dead
Listen to the little girl, and when she asks hold her hand
Because I am her, all grown up, and still need help to stand

Return

I know this blog has been lacking with posts and updates or anything else from my jar’s collection of loose screws. However, I’m back. I stayed inpatient for 30 days and then continued on to another three weeks of full day program. There was a lot of growth, recovery, pain, setbacks, and support. I don’t want to get into too much detail right now about where I am at with ED. But I promise I will. I will share chapters of my life from the last six months.

Thank you dedicated readers and friends.

I hope all is well.
Love always,

Brittany